Another day my pretties. And I am meaninglessly existing on this one. I have spent the last four months online looking for the one...and I had also hoped against everthing that I know to be true, that I would be with him by the time this day came. So that we could meet somewhere wonderful, and feast our eyes on each other. Feel the flutter in our hearts that tells us we are alive in each others arms. Dance in the streets and scream and laugh because the New Year is here. And finally do that one thing that everything is hinged upon, kiss. When the ball is dropped and the people are singing some old traditional song, while the glitter streamers and confetti are falling out of the sky, he looks into my eyes and it makes me stop laughing because my heart is in my throat. And he takes me in his arms and says "Happy New Year ". And I know that he has been waiting for this moment all night, then he gently places his lips on mine, I breathe in his breath. It intoxicates me and I melt into him, my mouth accepting his. Feeling his warm body against mine...I am complete. But back to reality! The one I was hoping to have this moment with, I haven't even met in person yet. I guess if we lived remotely near to each other, the same state even, it might have already happened. T1 in training, I call him that because I think he may be The One, but I am beginning to think that I may have to train him. I wouldn't even bother except that out of the 900 to 1,000 or so profiles that I have viewed, all the e-mails and instant messages, phone conversations, and flat out bad dates,he is the one I want the most. He is the one that stays on my mind when I go to sleep at night. And he is the one I think of first thing in the morning when I wake up. What's more is I think he wants me as much as I want him. I have been saving myself for my future husband for two months now and I plan on keeping that vow, however long it takes me to find him. I feel that in essence, I am saving myself for T1. But as of late my dearest T1 has not been corresponding as much as usual. In fact, When we did finally IM each other, he was apologetic enough, but, announced that he had friends come into town, I assume for the holidays. I was not aware of this before the holidays and then asked a few questions, it went like this: T1(10:41:15 AM): merry christmas...miss u too. been busy because friends have been in town goddess (12:13:04 PM): I see...I guess that is why I didn't get my phone call yesterday. T1(1:18:07 PM): r u there goddess (1:18:15 PM): yup T1(1:18:29 PM): how r u goddess (1:19:57 PM): Great. goddess (1:20:00 PM): you T1 (1:20:38 PM): im fine but cold goddess (1:20:51 PM): Are your friends still in town T1 (1:21:30 PM): yeah T1 (1:21:37 PM): r u working goddess (1:21:41 PM): yeah goddess (1:21:51 PM): which friends? T1 (1:21:55 PM): me too T1 (1:22:16 PM): three different ones goddess (1:22:24 PM): seems like the only time I get to say anything to you anymore goddess (1:23:06 PM): Is it a secret? T1 (1:23:40 PM): from school. from beach. and one from mexico. goddess(1:24:00 PM): girls goddess (1:24:05 PM): ??? T1 (1:24:33 PM): one guy. other two girls. T1 (1:24:46 PM): friends! goddess (1:25:03 PM): staying with you? T1 (1:25:51 PM): one "friend" is staying with me goddess (1:27:41 PM): Are they staying through the New Year T1 (1:28:34 PM): yes, everyone will still be here on jan 1 goddess (1:34:28 PM): Well I guess I won't be hearing from you until they are gone...so Happy New Year. goddess (1:39:55 PM): BYE T1 (2:00:32 PM): i know...these holidays r busy Now notice the reference and importance placed on the word (friends!). The use of the quotation marks has me very worried...as does the fact that he never mentioned these people were going to be there in any of our IM or phone conversations in the entire month preceding the hoilday season. Nor did he specify names, and the one "friend" that is staying with him still remains genderless. But I have to just=trust. We haven't even met yet so I guess if there was something funny going on it wouldn't be completely out of the question...just that I hope he is doing the same and saving himself for me. Like he said before, he hasn't had sex in six months so maybe his will is really solid by now. It feels like I am going around in circles about this one guy, but that's because I have invested more of myself in him, than in anyone else thus far. Besides it would be a real shame to lose out on something that may be really wonderful, just because I didn't believe in him. Then again, he had better not be hiding anything because of all the things someone can do to me I would have to say that lying, deceiving or manipulating the truth is the worst. Now I will have to go to some party, where there are a bunch of people, who will have someone to kiss at midnight's passing and the dawn of a New Year. I am sure that I will get hit on a couple of times and might even find someone attractive. I am certain however that I will be able to curb any desire to go home with anyone as I have been doing for the past couple of months. Now I just have to practice the smile I will be using to hide the torture I will be feeling as I watch that one couple that most embodies my ideal relationship, kiss at midnight...And only hope that T1's kisses are being preserved for me. I don't think that is too much to ask.