Amazing

I have been going through this crazy kind of mood swing thingy a lot lately. Ever since Grey dumped me I have been going from feeling like I want to die, to being okay, to thinking up some crazy scheme to get him back. Of course I don't die, and I know I never want ot be one of those crazy kinds of women that makes a horses patooty of herself to prove her love. So instead I cry and cry and cry. I question again and gain, why. And then I cry some more . I think maybe it's because of this or maybe that is the answer. Then I quickly dismiss it because I just don't know for sure. This process goes on and on for about an hour (there have been longer spells but that isn't something I will readily admit to) and then I realize I am going to look red and puffy in the morning, so I try to ease my pain by calling a friend. Normally if I felt bad I would call Grey and all would be well again. But I can't call him. Then I will really seem desperate, and I am really not that person. I just want some answers. I want to get past this. So I call my ex, Martin, who is now someone who understands me. After all the troubles we had he finally gets it. At this point in time I know that we are better off as friends. And he is the very best at being that. He just let me talk. And although he couldn't stop himself from giving me a little tiny bit of unsolicited advice, I didn't really mind this time. Because, I stopped crying. I had even forgotten about it until he e mailed me today. I asked him if he wouldn't mind me using some of his letter to me for my blog. He said it was perfectly fine. I don't have to ever ask that of him. So here is the letter. It made my day I have to say...why can't they all just get me? The letter starts: Hey there sweet, I hope the day finds you doing well. And I really hope that I was of some help or consolation to you last night. I really want to see you overcome, always. You don't deserve what you have gone through. After all, you are a V.I.P. Now if I can be allowed to be blunt and outright for a moment, I don't think that you have ever been more wrong about something in your life. To think that you are an easy person to walk away from is just plain silly. I wouldn't be here today writing these few words if that were true. Don't ever forget that. To somebody who truly knows you and who you are, you are extremely difficult if not near impossible to walk away from . There was also something else that I wanted to touch a little more on. And that is the walking paradox that is Catarina. It's a lovely paradox. A little complex at times, but lovely nonetheless. You are strong, yet fragile. You want to be independent, but also need to be taken care of at times. You are blunt and strongheaded. But you are also kind and caring in your every action and words. It is, for lack of a better word, amazing. And yeah, some might find that paradox a bit intense. I know that I did at times. But I wouldn't have had you any other way. That paradox and you were exhilarating. Every day I found I felt as if I discovered you anew. And when you stood by me, I smiled. I felt like I could do anything at all, even lift a Volvo. At one point I remember thinking, "Wow, she's everything." Last night my mind started to wander a bit. I asked myself two questions. Why on Earth did I ever fall for this girl? What did I see in her? And I thought. And I thought. Yes, you are correct. You are hot. You've always been hot. But that's not it. That's almost like a bonus in a way. And it's way, way down the list. Second to the last only in front of, she makes a really mean sandwich. And that was one mean sandwich. It was you, Catarina. It was always you. Yeah, we butted heads, but that doesn't mean that I would have changed anything that you did. And that doesn't mean that I cared about you any less before, after, or during the argument. If anything, given the opportunity I would change what I had done. And it was territory that we fought over. It was me not wanting to let go of childish ways and childish friends. And it was you hoping that I would. And while I might not have liked the context of some of those fights, or all of them since I didn't like fighting with you, I did and do still admire your character though it all. You knew what you wanted. You fought for what you wanted. I admired that about you. Your sensitivity. Your passion for life. Always wanting what is right. Your drive. Your sense of right and wrong. Your humor. Your smile. God, I loved that. I treasured coming home after a long day to find that smile. It melted me away. No matter how bad my day was, seeing you always made me feel better. I found about nine-hundred and seventy-one good, valid reasons to fall for you. And none not to do so. Being hot is number nine-hundred and seventy. Boy, do I ever miss that sandwich. In the course of our lives, we come into literally thousands of people. Some of these we think to ourselve's,"Wow. She (or he) is pretty hot." Now I've always been a little on the shy side. 99.99999% of the girls that I've come into contact with that I've thought this about I've never spoken to. I think, "Oh, she's way out of my league," and move on. That night when I first met you at Jay's birthday party, I remember asking Jay about you. "Who's that?" I asked. "Oh she's Monica's cousin." And he showed me your picture not knowing that I had already seen it. In fact whenever I'd go over to his place to watch wrestling and he'd go to the bathroom or go fix a drink, somehow I always ended up near that picture looking at it. Of course, I never told him that and pretended like I had never seen that picture. '"That's her?" I asked. I really hadn't recognized you. I guess not having your hair blowing in the wind threw me off. For some reason I figured that's how you always walked around. I still thought that you were very pretty, very photogenic. At that, I went back into the living room and was prepared to have you join the other 99.9999% of attractive women that I had met before. And then it happened. I started talking to you for a bit. And as you spoke, I thought to myself,"Wow, she's really nice." And as we spoke more, I thought,"Wow, she's really hot." It wasn't until after I started talking to you that I realized that there was this great person sitting in front of me. And when you excused yourself to go outside for a bit, in the back of my mind someone shouted,"Wake up, stupid! Don't let her go!" And I did. The rest is history. You're a great person, Catarina. And I'm gonna be saying that some forty or fifty years down the road. Well after our youthful existance has fled and we're left with wrinkled skin that bears the tales of our times. I'm gonna say,"She's the most beautiful person alive." Love always, Martin Diego