Getting it all out

This was written July 21, 2009 3:41 pm I am writing as a way to keep busy and get all my feelings out. As of now I am not sure what they are. My instinct tells me to jsut go with my heart, that would be to write flowery poetry and cry and give the poetry to him so that he may cry too and then he would hold me and tell me how beautiful I am and how those words were so lovely and hit a soft place in his heart. how my words opened his eyes to the true meaning of love. How he now sees that he should never let me forget that I am the one he wants for life. Then my secondary feeling is to yell and scream, hit and throw things. To spew hateful, vengeful things in his face. To hurt, degrade or otherwise immasculate him. Drawing blood to satiate my broken, black & thorny hearts lust to my own destruction. Then I get too smart and want to talk about it...the relationship. As if dissecting it would uncover the defect, infection, disease. When all I am doing is adding bacteria to an open gash that was still healing. All I expected was what he said. Be a man, introduce me to the people in your life, keep your word, and stop hurting me. I opened myself up to you, giving and giving until I had nothing left for myself.