Just a few small words have completely changed how I feel. I am a little more at ease, but it doesn't change the whole relationship, well not exactly. I have often told myself to take it easy on him, because he is sensitive, because he is kind, because I know he is inherently, intrinsically good. I knew this instinctively, which is why I continue on with him, but I never realized what that really meant. Not that he hasn't behaved badly at times, but nothing could've prepared me for the words that he spoke to me last night. I am still scattered about the whole thing but have come away from the experience with a really good feeling overall. I think I am still confused about what I am supposed to think and feel, but I usually never get caught up in any of that so why should I let it bother me now? Can't say that I have a clue. It's like a release and clutch all at once. I don't know if that statement will make any sense later. Okay so the big thing that is making me chase my proverbial tail. I know we have been going back and forth about this sex thing, and being a normal guy thing, and this previous relationship he had with whatshername. For the moment I have no other way to expres how I feel about her but to not name her. Back to what I was saying. I knew he hadn't had many relationships before me. One girlfriend in high school, whatshername, some other girl I think, and several dates that never blossomed into anything more than friendship, if you believe his version of it. I think he still carries some torches, and at the present moment that seems very dangerous to me especially after what I know now. Okay, so along comes happy little me. My take no prisoners, sniffing out the bullshit, all guys are dogs even the good ones, attitude. Not that I don't want one that is good mind you, I just never really believed it would happen. but I started to really believe that love might actually be possible now. A real relationship, like the one I have been praying for, could be upon me and with great speed. I hadn't really felt that in quite some time. At least six years anyway. And with him...it seemed so very possible, imminent even. I never could quite put my finger on it but I knew, like my grandma always knew when it was going to rain, that there was (at least) one thing that I needed to know, that he wasn't telling me. That one thing was...I promised I wouldn't tell. I must first apologize to my friend Cartwright for not being able to say what it is. Cartwright,You have been there for me and let me cry on your shoulder, and have cared, and offered true to life suggestions that have been very insightful. If only I could share this with you, you might help me make something out of this mess that is in my head now...after all that other stuff. Sorry to the few of you who have taken a remote interest in my pathetic story day after dreary day, but I just know Martin wouldn't want me to share it and now my online journal has become his too. I no longer have it as my own. And it will no longer be each and every private thought or mental fart that I choose to write. Now, it's like I have to censor what I say. But, that isn't right either is it? Now...I have the intimate knowledge that Martin has been reading my blog. Now if what he told me last night is true, then why did he choose me? Why did he say "I love you" the first time we made love. Why did he want to break up with me? There are so many why's and I fear that he will not want to talk about them. In many ways this bit of news has made it harder on me in the relationship. Nothing will be reduced to merely sex, or attractedness to another person, or anything small minded, the way I have become accustomed to dealing with men. No, now I have to worry about whether or not he still is in love with her. If he would ever consider being with her again, were she to want him. And after not enough reflection...I am reduced to tears because the man I love won't respond to my touch tonight like he did yesterday. It is as if something else has occupied his mind, even the slightest brush from my arm sent him further away on the bed. I have been looking at his back for more than four hours now. And have been trying to rouse him fo two. It is highly unusual for him to turn down sex. So now I have to really wonder what has happened in the last 24 hours. I could torcher myself this way endlessly but I have become sick of this twisted little game. I must sleep now. Tommorrow this will make more sense. It is tommorrow....this is making less and less sense. As I have come to expect now in the world of Martin Diego. I realize now that although he has told me several times how much he loves me, he used to say it every day, now if I hear it I am lucky. And this morning came another blow on top of yesterday's news. He wants to apply for a job elsewhere...like home. Down on the border of Mexico, the town we both came from. Except I have no desire to ever see that place again. And besides he hasn't asked me to be with him for any of that. In the beginnig it seemed like anything was possible, now it's like none of that ever happend. He has forgotten the promises he made, and the hope he gave to me about being with him. About us making it. He says he is having more doubts now than ever before. I have been having doubts all along, and now they are becoming truths. He is making decisions, at whim, and I am just now finding out that he doesn't plan to stay whether I move in or not. He is done with school in December and is ready to move on...oh yeah but he will still pay his share of the rent, that is just a waste of money if you ask me. As I became upset, the statement made to me was "This doesn't mean I care about you any less." which is a lovely sentiment, but all I could think was "This also doesn't mean you care about me any more." This is sounding more and more like I am getting played.