I decided that I am not posting every single IM we ever exchanged because, it is entirely too time consuming, and I am sick of this whole thing already. Which was the whole purpose for doing this to begin with. Yeah! I am over him obviously. And I know that I will go back and forth on my feelings with this one, and I may even post some more IM conversations as they apply. But it took me literally all day to edit and re-edit. Now I have to deal witht he fact that at least one person does not approve of my blog, or should I say the contents in it. And while I began doing this for me, I know that if someone who l have been talking to reads this they get a clear idea of what has been happening in my life recently. As distasteful as it may seem, that is the truth, and I have had a big heaping dose of it. So for this one person that I tried to let into my little world, and trust me this blog is only the tip of the iceberg. May you have a truly blissful life. Which is all I ever hoped for myself. Now I am going to share with you something that my very good friend Chino said to me yesterday, that made me realize how much he truly understands what I have been going through recently. We were at the bookstore after watching a movie, and while I was sipping my Chai tea, enjoying the warmth as it went down and feeling the relaxing effect of the spice. I noticed a man. He walked up to the bar across from our table and began putting raw sugar in his hot drink. I felt my heart drop. And what began as a relaxing outing with a friend turned surreal. I had to look at him several times, but only got glimpses of his profile. He looked remarkably like Jake/DC_Guyy/T1 in training. Which is impossible. Or perhaps it isn't. I don't know that this guy didn't lie about that too. Paranoia for just a split second. Then I felt upset again. Of course Chino is very in tune with what is going on with me and he noticed that something was wrong. I told him I would talk to him about it later when we left the bookstore. And as we perused the circulars, A woman joined the man. And they began a hushed conversation. Now I know that eavesdropping is an invasion of privacy, so I did not really listen to the content, but heard his voice quite clearly a couple of times. Same type of voice. My heart began to beat much faster. But I still wouldn't look in their direction, for fear of being thought rude. but poriferal vision serves me well, and he was touching this skinny woman's face. The store clerk announced that they were closing and we all got up to leave. The man walked way ahead of her to throw away their trash. I walked passed him and realized this man was much shorter than he appeared when I was sitting. And thought that although the bald spot on the back of his head would not have even phazed me, the fact that I would have to bend down to kiss him would be bothersome to me. I shook it off, he was not at the bookstore in the same town, on the same day that I happened to be there. Even thought this guy was wearing the same kind of black leather coat, and had that kind of stance.Deep down I knew that this was not Jake. But it took me to some surprising places in my mind...perhaps Jake realized some things about himself and ended what he perceived as somethinghe wasn't willing to face, for his own "shortcomings". Regardless, when we got to the car I told all of this to Chino, and then some. He said to me with his voice thick with the tears that he was desperately fighting to hold back "This really breaks my heart, that this man, would take what you felt for him, this rare thing that you never allow yourself to feel for anyone, this gift like one of our most precious things of nature and just crushes it! And all I can think is what a f**cking a**h*le. What an a**h*le, he never knew how lucky he was, and he just threw it away!"