When I get home just want to go to sleep but then I lie awake for hours. I wake up too early, several hours before I need to and lie awake in darkness. I have come to enjoy the quiet that darkness brings a little more these days. Food has become non existant in my life, I couldn't imagine putting anything in my mouth right now. I think I have eaten about twice since Tuesday. I made a concerted effort yesterday to not think about him. I think I will rename him since T1 was short for "The One", Now he shall be called DC_Guyy. I know guy is spelled with one y. He knows why. Not that I expect it matters anymore to him what I think, or feel, or want anymore. All I know is that I was truly happy to know that there was someone else out there that felt the same way. And he was coming to be with me. I have become a bit disillusioned with love and dating, and don't really want to meet or date anyone right now. Now, I am not excited about waking up anymore. I caught myself starting to cry this morning and made myself choke on my tears, because he is not worth one single drop. When I came to work today, I received a phone call as I was clocking in. By the time I picked it up they had hung up. When I asked my receptionist about it she said it was a guy. I asked if she had any clue as to what kind of guy it was, and she said "It wasn't your boyfriend". I wanted to start crying all over again. I had been so excited about DC_Guyy, that I had told everyone about him. He was the best thing since man walked on the moon, and I had to share that with everyone around me. Showed all his pictures and bragged about him. I have been told more than once that we look like we should be together, because we were both really attractive, and it seems like we just belong. Most everyone was really excited for me, except of course all the guys that are secretly in love with me. Yes I know who they are, I have a lot of guy friends. Consequently they all want to kill DC_Guyy. And that in itself makes me realize that I am loveable. So why then is it so difficult to land the boyfriend of my dreams. I see now that DC_Guyy wasn't the one. Will there ever be one that is? I wrote to him once immediately out of anger and I fear I cannot share it with you at this time. I am a bit ashamed not restraining myself better. Besides, my thoughts were all over the place, so it doesn't make for very good reading. For all I know none of what I have to say does, but this is the best place for me to express myself, and get all these littel obsessions out. Be it some stupid thing I said that keeps bugging me or some stupid guy that tricked me. After I had a day to think about everything that happened I knew I had one final thing to say to him, in fact the subject of my e-mail was "One final thing" here it is: DC_Guyy, One final thing before I leave this experience behind. I was very disappointed and hurt yesterday when I got your note. I feel like you just tried to get rid of me as quickly as you could. I think that it is admirable that you at least didn't try to give me any excuses, but I am a feeling breathing woman, that you did lead on, you could've called me or even tried to give me an explanation or something that showed that you are not an unfeeling cold hearted player. You know I thought it was crazy but I had this really good feeling about you, like maybe I could fall in love with you. And then you sent this picture and the deal was sealed. I then realized that I really would've fallen if we had met. I am glad that you told me this before anything went any further. But, I have been deceived...and that, my friend, is not a very good feeling at all. I am sure you have had heartache in your life before so you will be able to identify with what I am going to suffer in the next few days. I know I will eventually get over you. But I want you to know this, when that happens, I will look back as fondly as I can. I will always cherish the tenderness that you showed me, and those really hot nights when I could almost actually feel your touch just because your voice took me there. Because I wanted you that much. I know that even though you lied to me, my feelings for you were real. I don't for a second believe that you never felt anything for me...that isn't what this is about. And I don't know whether you have a girlfriend or are married or are just not a commitment type of person at all, but I suppose I can't know because youaren't going to tell me. You are probably too intimidated by me to call me and offer me a proper reason. And that is just so very unfortunate for me. I will just have to be satisfied with the fact that I know I was real! And that at this time you are going to be missing out on some of the best love you have ever had in your entire life. Unfortunately I feel like I am too. Goodbye Jake, -Cristina So now that I have written him two letters and I did try to call him once after I got that ridiculous little note. I realize that he isn't going to even tell me why. And I am never going to know. He did do some damage to my sense of trust. Luckily my self esteem is still intact. And one day I think when I get over this and look back to try and learn from my mistakes, I will have a very good idea what his motivations might have been. By that time I will have had many wonderful experiences and perhaps have found one guy out of the hundreds of thousands out there and he will be appreciating every inch of me. And that my friends is closure!