So I haven't blogged anything since, hmmm let's see, Jan 30th? I suppose I have been in some kind of denial, but it is now virtually impossible to ignore the fact that it is February. And that would mean that silly hallmark holiday is coming up. You know, the one with the pudgy little kid running around in a cloth diaper, shooting arrows through people's hearts. And once again, I am forced to ingest these cute little commercials advertising such things as a set of kissing teddy bears, where the female one blushes, or a man screaming in public how he loves "this woman!". Actually that one kinda made me tear up a little, but only because of the sudden realization that I may never have that, that crazy love, and that diamond! Well I suppose I could just buy myself one, take a trip somewhere and scream out wildly to a bunch of strangers " I love this woman!" while I point to myself , but I think it loses something in the translation. I can change the channel, but I can't change the content, so I have become a master of the remote making use of my mute button as to avoid being inundated at all costs. In related news, Chino and I went to lunch on Tuesday. Wait, let me start this over. We went out this weekend to the Gingerman for a couple of beers. Sitting on the leather sofas in one of the lounge areas we made ourselves comfortable and began talking about everything under the sun. The differences in our families, our past failed relationships, and I was feeling extraordinarily open that evening, and talked about things I never talk about. To anyone. We decided we were hungry and left. Now we were sitting in his truck deciding where we could have a decent meal that was open after 11:00 pm. I am not a stranger to him trying to kiss me and such. But, I thought we were past that. I thought incorrectly. In my awesome warm feeling buzz, he kissed me. I actually surprised myself by kissing him back, a little. When he had tried that sort of thing previously I would pull my head back and say no. I guess my motor skills were a little slow that evening because he caught me while my face was relaxed, I had no other choice. Trick! Looking back I see what a trick that is, I almost thought I felt something, but really I didn't. No spark or fire in my heart. You just can't make someone want you, or love you. And especially not just because they are inebriated. No, I realize that the slight momentary sensation that I did feel, was no more than the excitement he was feeling for me. I am quite empathic naturally. When we spoke again on Monday, he was acting funny. By funny I don't mean he was cracking jokes or doing a clown act for me, I mean he was not quite himself. I figured it must have been that whole kiss thing. So we went to lunch on Monday, and I called him out. I couldn't just leave him flailing about. I chalked the whole thing up to alcohol, and the fact that we are such good friends that maybe it just felt comfortable. It seemed all was well, until Tuesday at lunch. Well I should say, after lunch when he walked me to my car. He asked me if I remembered a conversation we once had where he said he would never want a commitment from me, (which I knew was just the bravado of a bruised male ego,because in the course of our conversation regarding hypothetical relationship scenarios I had just told him that in his wildest dreams he would never have sex with me and that I didn't have those kinds of feelings for him anyway) to which I replied yes, I did remember. "Well, I changed my mind. And it's a package deal." he said "Oh, I see. A package deal?" I asked "So it's take this or what, what are my options?" "Well, or just keep it the way it is." I opened the door to my Ford Ranger and said "I vote for the way it is." I got in. Holding the door open he just looks at me kinda sad and I know I just rejected him, but this was the moment I took all those pains to avoid. I made it perfectly plain and couldn't have been any clearer about my feelings, yet here he was, standing before me in his blue coveralls and cap, smoking a cigarette really believing I might actually accept. I felt trapped. This is my friend. I don't want to hurt him, but I have to so that he won't hurt more later. It just seemed so unfair that he was trying this with me, when he already knew what my answer was going to be. I told him I just wanted it to stay the same, and drove away. On the same day I recieved a phone call from an ex boyfriend. This was the first guy I was serious about after I moved to Austin six and a half years ago. Oddly enough his name is Jake also. Jake Barkley. Jake Barkley called just to say hi. Yeah right, I don't know exactly what he really wanted but I know that eventually it will surface. So far though he disguised his recent phone call to me as an invitation to lunch. I didn't jump. I know that surprised him, since he was the one who went outside of the relationship which caused me to break up with him. He then made the biggest mistake of his life and married the girl who stalked us the entire time we were together, only after he got a 19 year old girl pregnant. The one he was cheating on me with. The girl had his child, and he has divorced stalker girl but will be forever bound to her by another child as well. Now I would've normally jumped if I hadn't learned the true stories about what happened in our relationship and have learned a few other things since we dated. However, this is a very charming and handsome man and he knows it. I remember when I first spoke with him. I don't even know what he said, but he had a very direct way about him, and made alot of eye contact. The way he touched my hand had a lasting effect on me. And his body! He is an Ex model. An extremely physically affectionate, and sensual man. We only had actual sex once, much later on into the relationship. It was nice, but we both were holding back. The main reason being at that point after much discussion and testing we decided on unprotected sex, and I wouldn' t allow him to...well I wished not to be used as a receptacle. Normally trying to be quiet would be a big turn on, but the fact that his mother, and son lived in the same house and were sleeping in the next room and that I really had no desire to wake them also may have caused me to be a bit more reserved than usual. At any rate he was a good lover. Very gentle, deliberate and strong. I am sure that the other ladies appreciated that too....consequently that is the reason I didn't jump when he asked me to lunch. He did show up the next day at 11:45, the date was for 12:00 in a cadillac ready for a lunch with me. We actually had a very nice time. There was some reminiscing but no too much of it. The focus was more on what was new in each others lives. Surprise! We have both been dating online for a bit. Honestly though, I am not interested in anything thus far. Well he is really still extremely handsome, but I can see through his charms now, and if anything is going to come of this, I would bet on just being really good friends. Ah and whatever happened to my bootylicious Scott? Well Scott has been a baaaaaad boy. He didn't show up for work on Saturday, he didn't call and tell anyone he wasn't going to be in. He showed up late for the M.M.M.M. (Mandatory Monday Morning Meeting) All sales conultants are supposed to be there at 8:30 am sharp. He sauntered in after it was over and tried to play it off like he had been here the whole time. Classic move. They sent him home, suspended for the day. Had a meeting with the big boss the following morning and after much convincing got to keep his job. Then he showed up late again the following morning home sweet home again. And finally this morning they just let him go. I will miss him. But he is probably better off. Oh who am I kidding, what I really mean to say is, I will be better off. Without the temptation. He definitely likes to tease me and flirts with me at any opportunity. At the rate he was going I might have been teased and flirted into a frenzy and may have had to break down under those conditions, and ravage him. Hmmmm sounds like fun! As he cleaned out his desk I went over and sat a little, I really didn't know what to say. He gave me some cookies, I told him to come say goodbye before he left. I watched him shake hands with some of the other guys and say his goodbyes. Sitting at a computer in the front I had a good view of him standing in front of his car. I thought he had forgotten about me and I turned back to read what I had written in my blog so far, the door opened and I turned in my chair to see Scott walk in again. Now you know those slow motion scenes that we sometimes see in movies? This was one of those moments except that it was really happening to me, and will be forever engraved in my memory. He stood there tall and vulnerable, his eyes searching mine, neither of us had any words that could be spoken right then in front everyone. We smiled as if to say "some other time, some other place." He rushed over and scooped me up in his arms. I could really feel his heart beating through his chest as he pressed it into me. We both took deep breaths and let go. "Don't be a stranger." I said. "I won't." He replied. And he walked away. I get the feeling that I will never see him again, and I am a little sad, but also couldn't help but feel somewhat relieved.