Trying this again. Maybe it wasn't stupidity, just hadn't eaten yet. Nope must be stupidity! Now I am starting to get a headache. Okay I am quitting this for awhile. It's just an endless source of frustration. I will try to write something here soon. Here at my office for an entire 12 hour shift today, the usual Saturday kind of thing, except that my allergies are getting the best of me today. See here in the capital of Texas, we get something called cedar fever. I have been sneezing away since yesterday! My head is stuffy too and moping about T1 in training is not helping any. My satus online is currently available, but, nothing yet. I know I won't hear from him this weekend because his "friends" are still there. I think when he finally does call again, we are going to have a serious discussion about all this. And then his voice will make me melt, and we will have phone sex, again. No! I have to be firm! And set limits and boundries. And this is the best time to do it when everything is still fresh and new. So that settles it! Maybe I should call him right now! No. I will probably get voicemail,and he will still not call until those people he calls his friends are gone. I mean if they were really his friends wouldn't they understand? Unless there is more going on here than he is saying. And now I am doing that not trusting thing again that ruins every relationship, or anything remotely resembling a relationship I have had in the last 6 years. I don't know why I am doing it, it just happens. I want to break this cycle. I always thought that if I talked to a professional therapist that might help. Maybe I should look into that this weekend.

I have been messing around with my blog, trying to add a place for you to comment. I would love to hear what you have to say...maybe there isn't anyone reading my blog, and that's okay too. I mean I really just started doing this for myself, and am totally loving it! Okay so this thing isn't allowing me to post comments. Hmmmm. I guess I will just keep trying. An hour of reading and trying and re posting...I am going nuts. Am I just stupid? Trying colors now.

Yes, it is a New Year. And everyone is partied out...you can see it on their faces. Even I am, and I am not much of a partier anyway, but it seemed that New Year's Eve was a good time to do it. I spent the entire next day in bed, mostly. Until I rolled onto the floor and crawled into the living room where my cousin was half on and half off of the couch. She did manage to just barely lift her head up and attempt a feeble smile and croak out a "hey", which I know was the equivalent of "Good Morning most beautiful Goddess cousin, what a fine day it is!" We ended up spending the rest of the evening growing roots in the furniture and watching movies. Ironically, that is what we had planned to do New Year's Eve. But funny thing about that, she seems to attract all the wayward boys in her apartment complex, and where there are good looking boys there is always trouble! Party time it was, and a good time was had by all. She found a new "contemplation". And my vow of chastity has remained intact. In fact I would have to say it has even strengthened. Just being around all those bad boys made me realize exactly what I don't want. And exactly what I do. Hanging out with these guys made me remember just why I started this whole online dating thing to begin with. When I finally dragged myself into work today I was so busy I forgot to login to my IM. by the time I did, my sweetheart T1 in training, was also online. Mind you he did not call me on New Year's Eve or the next day...in fact he hasn't called me at all because his "friends" have been in town. And still are. I still don't really understand why that would impair someone from using a phone to talk to what could possibly be the love of your life, although he has expressed how embarassing it would be to have to explain that to our children one day. I figure he is ashamed that he met me online and doesn't want to have to explain it to his friends. I really don't agree with this particular bit of reasoning. I mean, it makes no sense because, say we do meet, and we really do fall in love, and then we end up meeting each other's families and friends, he is going to make up some lie to explain how we met? And I am going to have to go along with it? I cannot see myself lying to all his friends and family, especially since I have already told everyone who means anything in my life all about him...including how we met. He said he just HAS to lie about it. One of his co-workers makes fun of a couple (friends of theirs) who met online, by calling them losers. This is coming from an emotionally backed up, bully, who can't even keep a girl friend because he keeps stalking them! But WE would be called losers? I don't know which is worse, being called a loser by a real loser, or having your future lover care that we are going to be called losers by a real loser. Here is our IM today: T1 (1:16:52 PM): hi there T1 (1:16:55 PM): how r u (heart smiley) goddess (1:19:31 PM): good, how are you T1 (1:19:49 PM): im fine. just working T1 (1:19:52 PM): r u working goddess (1:20:34 PM): Oh yeah T1 (1:20:45 PM): same here goddess (1:20:46 PM): how was your new years eve T1 (1:20:55 PM): im tired of working goddess (1:20:58 PM): me too T1 (1:21:00 PM): slow goddess (1:21:07 PM): I need a vacation T1 (1:21:24 PM): and im tired of my friends in my house! RRRRRrrrrrr goddess (1:21:25 PM): New years eve was slow? T1 (1:21:29 PM): i need a vacaton too T1 (1:21:50 PM): yes goddess (1:22:01 PM): When do they leave T1 (1:22:16 PM): jan 6 goddess (1:22:29 PM): What? goddess (1:22:35 PM): that sucks goddess (1:22:45 PM): when did they get there? T1 (1:23:52 PM): like last weekend goddess (1:24:42 PM): Whew goddess (1:24:51 PM): that's a long time goddess (1:25:27 PM): just hang in there honey goddess (1:25:38 PM): a few more days T1 (1:26:10 PM): (kissing smiley) goddess (1:26:22 PM): I know I"M hanging in there...and it's really hard on me because I don't even get to hear your voice goddess (1:26:31 PM): mua T1 (1:26:41 PM): (kissing smiley) goddess (1:26:52 PM): (kissing smiley) goddess (:27:53 PM): I wished I had gotten a new years eve kiss from you T1 (1:28:11 PM): mmmmm, that would have been super great! goddess (1:28:14 PM): but I settled for a champagne toast with my cousin and some friends T1 (1:28:38 PM): lol goddess (1:31:43 PM): Yeah it kinda turned into a big party! goddess (1:31:54 PM): it was fun goddess (1:32:08 PM): what did you guys do T1 (1:32:45 PM): went to a friends home...just had drinks goddess (1:33:27 PM): well I hope you at least had a good time goddess (1:37:11 PM): did you think about me? T1 (1:37:48 PM): always think about u goddess (1:38:03 PM): always think about you too T1 (1:54:32 PM): i must get going. talk to u later. xo T1 (1:54:34 PM): (heart smiley) goddess (1:54:40 PM): xxoo goddess (1:54:42 PM): k goddess (1:54:44 PM): bye bye goddess (1:54:58 PM): (kissing smiley) I don't know if I can survive this long distance love affair I v'e never been that stong but something in the things we say makes me smile along your love I feel it in your voice, and every waking moment I lie awake thinking of you and picture you above me tracing the contours of your face I know them all by heart I run my fingers through your hair and look into your soul I imagine that you hold me close your body's warmth I feel slipping into dreamy slumber your true nature is revealed we twist and turn I follow you through stars as bright as day and your loving face smiles upon me as we laugh and fly and play when I awaken in the morning refreshed like life is new I know that very morning you were feeling the same thing too knowing there is more to you than a picture, an e mail, or a phone call the miles between us cannot dull the essence of our hearts true meaning even when all I hear from you is an IM in the afternoon, in my head I hear your voice, "We shall be together soon!" I may be a sap my Goddess sister's, but it's only because even girls like me, really attractive, fun girls who hold down full time positions, who put in that overtime, to make sure everything runs smoothly, who make themselves indispensible to their jobs and their families and their friends, and work to have a lovely home, and a lovely body and try to have a life somewhere in between....well Goddesses like us...we need more than all that to be complete...we need love too! Good night my Goddess sister's, good night to the God's we choose to have by our sides. Sleep well....and dream better!

Another day my pretties. And I am meaninglessly existing on this one. I have spent the last four months online looking for the one...and I had also hoped against everthing that I know to be true, that I would be with him by the time this day came. So that we could meet somewhere wonderful, and feast our eyes on each other. Feel the flutter in our hearts that tells us we are alive in each others arms. Dance in the streets and scream and laugh because the New Year is here. And finally do that one thing that everything is hinged upon, kiss. When the ball is dropped and the people are singing some old traditional song, while the glitter streamers and confetti are falling out of the sky, he looks into my eyes and it makes me stop laughing because my heart is in my throat. And he takes me in his arms and says "Happy New Year ". And I know that he has been waiting for this moment all night, then he gently places his lips on mine, I breathe in his breath. It intoxicates me and I melt into him, my mouth accepting his. Feeling his warm body against mine...I am complete. But back to reality! The one I was hoping to have this moment with, I haven't even met in person yet. I guess if we lived remotely near to each other, the same state even, it might have already happened. T1 in training, I call him that because I think he may be The One, but I am beginning to think that I may have to train him. I wouldn't even bother except that out of the 900 to 1,000 or so profiles that I have viewed, all the e-mails and instant messages, phone conversations, and flat out bad dates,he is the one I want the most. He is the one that stays on my mind when I go to sleep at night. And he is the one I think of first thing in the morning when I wake up. What's more is I think he wants me as much as I want him. I have been saving myself for my future husband for two months now and I plan on keeping that vow, however long it takes me to find him. I feel that in essence, I am saving myself for T1. But as of late my dearest T1 has not been corresponding as much as usual. In fact, When we did finally IM each other, he was apologetic enough, but, announced that he had friends come into town, I assume for the holidays. I was not aware of this before the holidays and then asked a few questions, it went like this: T1(10:41:15 AM): merry christmas...miss u too. been busy because friends have been in town goddess (12:13:04 PM): I see...I guess that is why I didn't get my phone call yesterday. T1(1:18:07 PM): r u there goddess (1:18:15 PM): yup T1(1:18:29 PM): how r u goddess (1:19:57 PM): Great. goddess (1:20:00 PM): you T1 (1:20:38 PM): im fine but cold goddess (1:20:51 PM): Are your friends still in town T1 (1:21:30 PM): yeah T1 (1:21:37 PM): r u working goddess (1:21:41 PM): yeah goddess (1:21:51 PM): which friends? T1 (1:21:55 PM): me too T1 (1:22:16 PM): three different ones goddess (1:22:24 PM): seems like the only time I get to say anything to you anymore goddess (1:23:06 PM): Is it a secret? T1 (1:23:40 PM): from school. from beach. and one from mexico. goddess(1:24:00 PM): girls goddess (1:24:05 PM): ??? T1 (1:24:33 PM): one guy. other two girls. T1 (1:24:46 PM): friends! goddess (1:25:03 PM): staying with you? T1 (1:25:51 PM): one "friend" is staying with me goddess (1:27:41 PM): Are they staying through the New Year T1 (1:28:34 PM): yes, everyone will still be here on jan 1 goddess (1:34:28 PM): Well I guess I won't be hearing from you until they are gone...so Happy New Year. goddess (1:39:55 PM): BYE T1 (2:00:32 PM): i know...these holidays r busy Now notice the reference and importance placed on the word (friends!). The use of the quotation marks has me very worried...as does the fact that he never mentioned these people were going to be there in any of our IM or phone conversations in the entire month preceding the hoilday season. Nor did he specify names, and the one "friend" that is staying with him still remains genderless. But I have to just=trust. We haven't even met yet so I guess if there was something funny going on it wouldn't be completely out of the question...just that I hope he is doing the same and saving himself for me. Like he said before, he hasn't had sex in six months so maybe his will is really solid by now. It feels like I am going around in circles about this one guy, but that's because I have invested more of myself in him, than in anyone else thus far. Besides it would be a real shame to lose out on something that may be really wonderful, just because I didn't believe in him. Then again, he had better not be hiding anything because of all the things someone can do to me I would have to say that lying, deceiving or manipulating the truth is the worst. Now I will have to go to some party, where there are a bunch of people, who will have someone to kiss at midnight's passing and the dawn of a New Year. I am sure that I will get hit on a couple of times and might even find someone attractive. I am certain however that I will be able to curb any desire to go home with anyone as I have been doing for the past couple of months. Now I just have to practice the smile I will be using to hide the torture I will be feeling as I watch that one couple that most embodies my ideal relationship, kiss at midnight...And only hope that T1's kisses are being preserved for me. I don't think that is too much to ask.

So far I have talked to several men online, okay many men. But, I was shy about actually meeting anyone in person. I had my reservations about this one guy (lets call him Red) to begin with. As I said before even on paper he had a Texas twang, which is not to say that is a bad thing, but I wasn't really looking at him as a potential boyfriend at this point any longer. He solidified that suspicion when he took it upon himself to use the information I told him about my workplace as a way to meet me, without my consent. This was the first person to ever have met me from any of my online escapades. And altough I had previously stated to him that it would be a creepy thing to do, he showed up un-announced anyway. I just wonder what could possibly be going through someone's mind when they do something like this. Am I supposed to run up to him and wrap my arms around him with a look of lust in my eyes and say "Oh my darling, I have been waiting for this moment for all my life! Because you stalked me at my place of business and you look creepier than Son of Sam I will kiss you, and I shall be yours....Oh yes, take me now!!!" I mean the guy was no John Cusack or John Travolta or even John Malkovich for that matter. More like Joe Blow, with a beer belly who really likes to step into a Slim Jim. Even more baffling, I viewed the picture of him on the internet...Clearly his eyes being closed in the picture made all the difference in the world! So Red and I are never going to work out, neither is this little flirtation I have been having with a walk on the wild side. Ladies, beware of a man who seems too good to be true because he probably is. Now when "Colorado puppydog" first IM'd me he seemed soooo sweet. He was talking about his court reporter position, and his deceased wife and how his girls are all grown up now. While I had some reservations about dating someone almost ten years my senior, his picture was rather nice. He had a Billy Bob Thornton quality that I liked. Now I know those Hollywood people might get into some kinky stuff but this guy went from talking about drawing my bath, washing my hair, and rubbing lotion into my body to talking about kneeling for me in public, obeying my every command and watching me have "relations" with other men. He didn't really get weird until after I met him. And I guess I should have asked sooner than when he was ten minutes away, but it was at this time that he told me that his pic on the dating service was several years old. "Huh" I thought " Well it's just a couple of years right?" Right, a couple of really bad years! And I guess pictures taken from really far away, can make even Billy Bob Thornton's neighbor's dog walker's drug dealer look fairly decent, don't you think? But he is still a very nice man. Ahhhh well, much more on this subject at a later date butI must leave you for now. Good night my Goddess sisters. Good night future Gods.

Hello to all the other goddesses in the universe. It feels good to have a place to share with you all. And that is precisely what I am going to do right now. First off, let me start by telling you a little about me. I turned, ahem 26 this year. No children. Never married, but engaged three times. I ended them...all. I suppose in the end I just couldn't see myself with any of them for the rest of my life. Not that I am opposed to being with just one person. I suppose then it is because I long for something so meaningful, that the ceremony will not even be that important because what we have goes beyond that. I just can't seem to find that in the real world though. All the guys I ever meet want to take me to bed right away. I like the bed part, I just crave so much more. Something that lasts. Maybe it doesn't exist, but I have to give it one hell of a try. So before I get myself to a nunnery or find myself trolling for men at the grocery store or church, instead I joined several online dating services just to try them out. And let me tell you I was in for an awakening. Online Dating. I have wondered about it for a long time, and I shall wonder no more. It was slow at first, you know because I was still just "browsing". I hadn't really commited myself to it yet. I wanted to get acquainted with the process. I wanted to remain anonymous. I got a bite here a nibble there. But after a while, I realized that I was never going to meet "the one" until I got in there. So I posted a recent picture and wouldn't you just know it one morning I woke up to 100+ hits! Now if that isn't an ego boost girls, I don't know what is. All of a sudden, men, really good looking, successful, available men were looking at me, e mailing me, wanting me! All I can say is Woo Hoo!!! Indeed it seemed my insecurity about whether or not I was really attractive, had just vanished. Now all I had to do was find the right one. The one who saw the real me inside. Maybe that seems impossible because they were all responding to my picture. But they hadn't met me in person. And I think a person's personality cannot escape paper. that is to say If I was having an IM conversation with someone...I could really be myself, I would have to be as would they. But I was soon to find out otherwise. Now girls I know we all tell a little white lie here and there but, why? I ask you now, why? Why would a man put his picture from several years ago in his profile? (I'll call him Colorado Puppydog). Why would a man say he agrees with your idea that you shouldn't push the sex issue when you are getting to know someone and then turn around and try to suck on your breasts when you are locked in the first kiss?(known as Sportsman) Why would a man say he is 5'10'' when he is 5'9"? Or say he is 34 when he is 38?(We'll call him T1 in training) Maybe I won't notice it later? You know I probably wouldn't care that he is an inch shorter or a few years older but little bitty white lies add up, and will make me think twice about trusting him. There are many others I could ponder, and will share with you later. Good night my Goddess sisters...and the men we hope will want to stand by our sides as Gods. Sleep well...and dream better.