Okay I am not moping anymore, his loss. But, I think Now is the appropriate time to look back at some of our IM's. One, to reminisce. Two, to show that he really did act like this would be happening and I am not in fact crazy, just had poor judgement or was extremely blind (love IS blind). Three, because so far everthing that I have shared has been so cathartic for me. I will be sharing them with you all now.So today we are having a T1 in training/DC_guyy marathon. Enjoy! After I received a "smile" on that online dating service on November 10th. I decided that I was interested in getting to know this 5'10", 185 lb, intelligent white male with short brown hair and brownish/green eyes. I had read everything in the profile the moment he appeared on my dating screen! He was looking for a woman who isn't afraid to try new things, with a personality to act serious, cultured and intelligent in one situation, but very wild crazy and seductive when appropriate. He did not however, list anything in the section where you enter what your idea of romance is, what you value, and what you enjoy in your spare time. That shoud have been my first clue. That little voice, or feeling or knowledge that we all have that tells us there is a reason for that, wasn't very strong after I had read that he was from Virginia, and saw those pictures he posted. They had me intrigued (truly). I even had a little journalistic inspiration that I shared with him, regarding those pictures. Something about the three faces of Arnold.(not his real name but you get an idea) It was supposed to make him laugh. But I got the feeling that it fell on deaf ears. No sense of humor is the second red flag that I didn't pay attention to. I forgot that when that happens I am supposed to run away. But after a couple of days, we exchanged IM addresses, and what I now call "the deception" began. (As usual, actual names and or e-mail addresses have been changed to protect the innocent, and in this situation I am not sure who that applys to anymore) Session Start (Yahoo! -Goddess:DC_Guyy): Wed Nov 12 11:21:45 2003 *** (Link: DC_Guyy)DC_Guyy has added you to their contact list with reason: "its me arnold" You may choose to (Link: DC_Guyy)accept or (Link: DC_Guyy)deny this action. You may also (Link: DC_Guyy)add this user to your contact list or (Link: DC_Guyy)ignore this user. *** You have been successfully added to DC_Guyy's contact list. DC_Guyy: hi, i just got your email Goddess: Great! Goddess: What did you think? DC_Guyy: i like it DC_Guyy: so i think i saw two pic of u now Goddess: Right Goddess: And I saw three of you DC_Guyy: yes DC_Guyy: you are very attractive! :) Goddess: Thank you! Goddess: As are you Goddess: :-) DC_Guyy : my real name is jake DC_Guyy: arnold is my middle name Goddess: Ahhh Goddess: Okay then Jake Goddess: I really like the name Jake much better Goddess: Do you? *** "DC_Guyy" signed on at Wed Nov 12 11:26:59 2003. DC_Guyy: i like jake better Goddess: So you are in Virginia? Goddess: yes. live in va. work in dc Goddess: Okay. What do you do? DC_Guyy: im going to lunch. ill tell you when i get back DC_Guyy: bye for now Goddess: k Goddess: bye Session Close (DC_Guyy): Wed Nov 12 11:32:03 2003 Session Start : Wed Nov 12 13:23:36 2003 Jake(DC_Guyy): r u htere [Offline Message (Wed Nov 12 12:45:31 2003)] Goddess: Hello I am here Session Close (Jake(DC_Guyy): Wed Nov 12 13:27:43 2003 Session Start Jake(DC_Guyy): Wed Nov 12 13:55:25 2003 Jake(DC_Guyy): im back too Goddess: Hey there Goddess: How was lunch Jake(DC_Guyy): how old r u Goddess: 34 Jake(DC_Guyy) winking smiley Goddess: i believe it says so in my profile...why? Jake(DC_Guyy): yes, but i forgot. and people lie on there profiles Goddess: lol Goddess: I forget that being online people can actually say one thing and not mean it Jake(DC_Guyy): how old did mine say? i have real problems about getting old Goddess: I try to be very forthcoming Goddess: what do you mean? Jake(DC_Guyy): what was my age on my profile Goddess: Aren't you like thirtysoemthing? And what I meant by that question is what do you mean you have problems with getting old? Goddess: Are you afraid of it? Goddess: Hold on let me look it up again...or are you going to tell me your age Jake(DC_Guyy): yes, i dont want to get old. im 38...i think it say im 34 or 35. everything else is correct. i have never been married and have not kids Goddess: So you lied about your age huh Jake(DC_Guyy):(winking smiley) dont tell anyone Goddess: WEll I guess I can't really be upset about that since it was just this year that I realized I am 34 I really actually fooled my self into thinking I was 33 for a few months Goddess: I even had my family believeing it for awhile Goddess: lol Jake(DC_Guyy): lol Jake(DC_Guyy): how tall r u Goddess: Now those pics you have on you rprofile, how recent are they? I am 5'7'' you? Jake(DC_Guyy): within 6 months...like summer time Goddess: cool Goddess: are you really 5'10'' Jake(DC_Guyy): ummmm, okok....5 9 Goddess: Oh no Goddess: are you kidding Me? Jake(DC_Guyy): :-P Goddess: LOL Jake(DC_Guyy): r u really 5 7 Goddess: yes! Goddess: Okay...so are you 5'9' or 5'10'? Jake(DC_Guyy): do you wear heels? Goddess: a lot! Jake(DC_Guyy): i think we will be ok. beside, it will just make kissing you easier!!! LOL Goddess: hahaha Jake(DC_Guyy): what is your name in (online dating service) Goddess: Goddess Goddess: and you are DC_Guyy Jake(DC_Guyy): YES Jake(DC_Guyy): I CANT FIND YOUR ADD..LOST U Goddess: Iknow i just felt like being redundant Jake(DC_Guyy): I FOUND IT!!!!! Goddess: good Jake(DC_Guyy): do u have more pic?? Goddess: What else do you want to know? Jake(DC_Guyy): why r u single? what do you think about long distant relationships Goddess: Oh. Well I think I sent you the two most recent ones of me already, those were taken in October of this year Jake(DC_Guyy): i have the one on your profile and the on you sent me Goddess: I am not really sure about long distance realtionships cuz I have only had one, but I was living with him for four years before that Jake(DC_Guyy): well, as you know i live in va Goddess: He then moved and it was really difficult, but we ended up not getting married after all. Good thing I didn't rent any gazebos or anything Goddess: Yeah Goddess: I know Jake(DC_Guyy): i like the way u look!! Goddess: We don't really know each other yet though...and I would have to had met you and been with you and blah blah blah before I would consider it a relationship...and if it got to that point then I guess I would just have to cross that bridge if I come to it Goddess: I like the way you look too...assuming that is really you! Jake(DC_Guyy): :-P r want more pic. Jake(DC_Guyy): i have a cam at home also Goddess: yeah Jake(DC_Guyy): by the way, is that really you?? lol Goddess: lol Goddess: I wish I had a webcam hooked up at work so that you could see for yourself. Goddess: Are you sending me more pics? Jake(DC_Guyy): i have other pic here of me at work but my ex is in most of them Goddess: Well I don't mind...she is an Ex though right? Goddess: lol Jake(DC_Guyy): yeah! lol Goddess: Bring it! Jake(DC_Guyy): can you expect is through yahoo Goddess: I am waiting Jake(DC_Guyy): it say waiting on you to accept Jake(DC_Guyy): let me just email them Goddess: yeah Goddess: If you are trying to IM them to me I don't think I can accept because I use Trillian...They don't allow us to have IM at work. Jake(DC_Guyy): i just eamiled them Jake(DC_Guyy): what is trilliam Goddess: Trillian is a Messenging kind of service, I signed up and can use Yahoo, Hotmail, and Aol. Jake(DC_Guyy): ok Goddess: But I only have Yahoo and Hotmail accounts Jake(DC_Guyy): well, i emailed them to u Goddess: Thanks. You look different.When were these taken? Goddess: Not a lot different just a little...oh so I guess your last name is Small Goddess: Was that in Mexico? Jake(DC_Guyy): i think about 1 1/2 year old Jake(DC_Guyy): no, i usa Goddess: Oh where? Jake(DC_Guyy): in pa Goddess: Vacation? Jake(DC_Guyy): what? they pic was in pennsylvania...a wedding Goddess: Okay Jake(DC_Guyy): oh, the one sitting was in pa. the one standing was in maryland Goddess: Well when you can I would love for you to take some pics with your webcam and send them to me. Jake(DC_Guyy): will u be online tonight...you can see me live! :D Goddess: I don't have a computer at home right now. Goddess: I wish I could though Jake(DC_Guyy): ok Jake(DC_Guyy): so what kind of guys r u attracted to Goddess: Nice, sweet, sensitive, with a good sense of humor, intelligent, attractive ( to me) I realize that my idea of attractive is not always the mainstream idea and I am okay with that Jake(DC_Guyy): what?? r u saying in not attractive... Jake(DC_Guyy): you may receive new pic tonight....im not sure now! :D Goddess: No I am saying you are totally attractive Goddess: Ohhhh Goddess: \:'S Jake(DC_Guyy): lol Jake(DC_Guyy): i want more pic of u Goddess: you will get some new ones soon when they are taken...hopefully by this weekend. My friend Jenna and I are going to Houston to donate Platlettes for a friends mother in law who is fighting Leukemia, We decided it would be a good time to stop along the way and "smell the roses" so to speak. Take a few pics, and just enjoy the time we have left since she is leaving for Jersey in two weeks. Jake(DC_Guyy): r uthere Goddess: yeah Goddess: I just sent you an im Goddess: about going to houston Goddess: didn't you get it? Jake(DC_Guyy): yes Goddess: k Jake(DC_Guyy): im impatiently waiting on the pic! ;) Goddess: Sorry it takes a while sometimes I get busy and have to type in between *** "Jake(DC_Guyy)" signed off at Wed Nov 12 14:55:56 2003. Session Close Jake(DC_Guyy)Wed Nov 12 14:56:12 2003 Session Start Wed Nov 12 14:58:03 2003 Goddess: Where did you go? Session Close (Jake DC_Guyy): Wed Nov 12 14:59:44 2003 Session Start Wed Nov 12 15:11:03 2003 Jake(DC_Guyy): im back Goddess: What happened? Session Close (Jeff(EastCoastGuy)): Wed Nov 12 15:12:00 2003 Session Start Wed Nov 12 15:16:24 2003 Jake(DC_Guyy): boss was talking to me Goddess K Goddess: So I get my pics tonight? Jake(DC_Guyy): let me look Goddess: Look for what? Jake(DC_Guyy): oh, i though it said did you get my pic?? lol Goddess: lol Goddess: I odn't have any more, well any others that are recent Jake(DC_Guyy): sent the not recent ones...please Goddess: No they suck Goddess: they were before I started doing pilates Jake(DC_Guyy): coem on Jake(DC_Guyy): come on Goddess: Why would you want to see pics of me that don't look like me anymore Jake(DC_Guyy): pilates? Goddess: yeah Jake(DC_Guyy): i must say you look sexy in the pic you sent me Goddess: Thank you again Goddess: i will try to send one of me before k Jake(DC_Guyy): :-* Goddess: Kay sent you pic Goddess: did you get it? Jake(DC_Guyy): yes and i liked it a lot! Jake(DC_Guyy): you have a sexy look to you. i like it Goddess: LOL Goddess: gOOD Jake(DC_Guyy): your body looks nice! ;) Goddess: it does? Goddess: thanks Jake(DC_Guyy): yeah Goddess: WEll sweeheart, I should probably get back to finishing my day here at work Goddess: I really enjoyed talking to you today Jake(DC_Guyy): me too Jake(DC_Guyy): is was nice Goddess: very Jake(DC_Guyy): if you want you can call me Goddess: really Jake(DC_Guyy): 202 555 5555 cell Goddess: k Goddess: Mine is 888 555 5555 at work my cell is temp disconnected Goddess: But I am usually here from 7-5 Jake(DC_Guyy): ok, i want to hear you voice Goddess: I want to hear yours too...but, what if we don't have naything to say? Jake(DC_Guyy): im sure we will Goddess: k Goddess: if youre sure Jake(DC_Guyy): would be better in person...that way if we ran out of things to say we could just kiss! lol Goddess: lol Goddess: i am really giggling out loud no talughing Goddess: not laughing Jake(DC_Guyy): ;) Goddess: LOL Jake(DC_Guyy): you seem nice Goddess: so do you Jake(DC_Guyy): t u Goddess: Well if you want ot call me just make sure that you talk to me, we have alot of people workign here and It can be confusing for the other receptionist well everything is confusing to her, but anyway, I guess I will talk to you later Jake(DC_Guyy): ok, i will Goddess: K Jake(DC_Guyy): can u call my 800 now Goddess well you didn't give me an 800 # I gave you one though you can call me on it Jake(DC_Guyy): can i call u now. or i can give you mine Goddess: just call me already Jake(DC_Guyy): ill call now Goddess: k Jake(DC_Guyy): will u pick it up Goddess: yes Jake(DC_Guyy): ok Jake(DC_Guyy): hello Goddess: What are you doing Jake(DC_Guyy): im calling you Jake(DC_Guyy): pick up the phone *** "Jake(DC_Guyy)" signed off at Wed Nov 12 16:08:27 2003. Goddess: Good night Session Close (Jake(DC_Guyy)) Wed Nov 12 16:08:45 2003 When I heard his voice for the first time, I thought he sounded, well, I want to say gay, but just so you understand, I haven't anything against gay guys. Quite the contrary, Some of my best friends, even family members are gay. So I think I have a good idea about what I am talking about here. Maybe that was it, I always fall in love with the gay guys. But back to the voice. Soft but still manly, with a little bit too much emphasis on the S's. Flirty and just a tad bit suggestive. And the one thing that makes me just melt straightaway, he has an accent. Not Brooklyn or New York which would've turned me into a bubbling, liquified mass. No It was more subtle, but strong enough to make me feel very flush, about eight times during the conversation. Especially when he said my name. And a very nice conversation it was. He was appropriately interested in finding out more about me, and even asked me what I wanted to know about him. I decided at the end of the conversation that I was definitely interested in persuing this further.

When I get home just want to go to sleep but then I lie awake for hours. I wake up too early, several hours before I need to and lie awake in darkness. I have come to enjoy the quiet that darkness brings a little more these days. Food has become non existant in my life, I couldn't imagine putting anything in my mouth right now. I think I have eaten about twice since Tuesday. I made a concerted effort yesterday to not think about him. I think I will rename him since T1 was short for "The One", Now he shall be called DC_Guyy. I know guy is spelled with one y. He knows why. Not that I expect it matters anymore to him what I think, or feel, or want anymore. All I know is that I was truly happy to know that there was someone else out there that felt the same way. And he was coming to be with me. I have become a bit disillusioned with love and dating, and don't really want to meet or date anyone right now. Now, I am not excited about waking up anymore. I caught myself starting to cry this morning and made myself choke on my tears, because he is not worth one single drop. When I came to work today, I received a phone call as I was clocking in. By the time I picked it up they had hung up. When I asked my receptionist about it she said it was a guy. I asked if she had any clue as to what kind of guy it was, and she said "It wasn't your boyfriend". I wanted to start crying all over again. I had been so excited about DC_Guyy, that I had told everyone about him. He was the best thing since man walked on the moon, and I had to share that with everyone around me. Showed all his pictures and bragged about him. I have been told more than once that we look like we should be together, because we were both really attractive, and it seems like we just belong. Most everyone was really excited for me, except of course all the guys that are secretly in love with me. Yes I know who they are, I have a lot of guy friends. Consequently they all want to kill DC_Guyy. And that in itself makes me realize that I am loveable. So why then is it so difficult to land the boyfriend of my dreams. I see now that DC_Guyy wasn't the one. Will there ever be one that is? I wrote to him once immediately out of anger and I fear I cannot share it with you at this time. I am a bit ashamed not restraining myself better. Besides, my thoughts were all over the place, so it doesn't make for very good reading. For all I know none of what I have to say does, but this is the best place for me to express myself, and get all these littel obsessions out. Be it some stupid thing I said that keeps bugging me or some stupid guy that tricked me. After I had a day to think about everything that happened I knew I had one final thing to say to him, in fact the subject of my e-mail was "One final thing" here it is: DC_Guyy, One final thing before I leave this experience behind. I was very disappointed and hurt yesterday when I got your note. I feel like you just tried to get rid of me as quickly as you could. I think that it is admirable that you at least didn't try to give me any excuses, but I am a feeling breathing woman, that you did lead on, you could've called me or even tried to give me an explanation or something that showed that you are not an unfeeling cold hearted player. You know I thought it was crazy but I had this really good feeling about you, like maybe I could fall in love with you. And then you sent this picture and the deal was sealed. I then realized that I really would've fallen if we had met. I am glad that you told me this before anything went any further. But, I have been deceived...and that, my friend, is not a very good feeling at all. I am sure you have had heartache in your life before so you will be able to identify with what I am going to suffer in the next few days. I know I will eventually get over you. But I want you to know this, when that happens, I will look back as fondly as I can. I will always cherish the tenderness that you showed me, and those really hot nights when I could almost actually feel your touch just because your voice took me there. Because I wanted you that much. I know that even though you lied to me, my feelings for you were real. I don't for a second believe that you never felt anything for me...that isn't what this is about. And I don't know whether you have a girlfriend or are married or are just not a commitment type of person at all, but I suppose I can't know because youaren't going to tell me. You are probably too intimidated by me to call me and offer me a proper reason. And that is just so very unfortunate for me. I will just have to be satisfied with the fact that I know I was real! And that at this time you are going to be missing out on some of the best love you have ever had in your entire life. Unfortunately I feel like I am too. Goodbye Jake, -Cristina So now that I have written him two letters and I did try to call him once after I got that ridiculous little note. I realize that he isn't going to even tell me why. And I am never going to know. He did do some damage to my sense of trust. Luckily my self esteem is still intact. And one day I think when I get over this and look back to try and learn from my mistakes, I will have a very good idea what his motivations might have been. By that time I will have had many wonderful experiences and perhaps have found one guy out of the hundreds of thousands out there and he will be appreciating every inch of me. And that my friends is closure!

I am goddesses lost and broken heart spiraling downward into an desolate pit of lonliness and despair. My T1 in training has finally let me in on the big secret. I was already going to delete him from my buddy list because four days is just too long to not hear from the man that I am saving myself for. The man who is supposed to be waiting for me too. The man I had chosen. I noticed that he was jumping online and then he would not be online all of a sudden. That happened a couple of times and I thought "This is just ridiculous! Are we in freaking junior high all over again?" So I IM'd him knowing he was really there even though I couldn't "see" him. I am not one to play games so I plainly asked "Why don't you just save the trouble of having to hide from me online and either tell me what is going on or just delete me from your list" That was at 5:04 P.M. (6:04 Virginia time) very soon after that he sent me an E-mail this is what it said: hi, i know you have been wandering why i have not been talking with you lately but i do have a reason. i am very attracted to you but i am dating someone at this time and i have to be honest with you, her and me. you are very nice and pretty but i am invovled with someone else at this time. NO, im not married but i have a girl friend. i know you dont understand why i lead you on and may never understand...but i feel my flirting with you really has got me into trouble for not being honest and i feel very bad...i would really like to meet you but i cant...i wish things could be different at this time. sorry...no excusses! :o( I first would like to address this one little issue well it is my little issue. This guy either has a very bad grasp of the English language, or he just doesn't pay attention to detail. Silly little thing I know, but I ususlaly don't overlook something like that at the very beginning. I would normally do the let's be friends conversation, but silly me, I thought he was just too cute to be dumb. No wonder he never really said a whole lot unless we were talking on the phone. Okay, so who else saw this coming? When I read this I became extremely upset and had to excuse myself to the ladies room so that I could cuss him out as tears were streaming down my face. I wrote him a letter back asking those stupid questions that people who get dumped ask, but know that if they knew the truth it wouldn't make a bit of difference anyway. It's over. I half expected him to reply or at least call and be a man. He had no trouble telling me about how great everything was going to be and how one of us was going to have to move, or how he wanted to make love to me for days, and be inside me, and there were just too many things that we said to each other that seemed so real. I feel like a total dumbass now for believing. I guess hope really does spring eternal in the human heart.

I suppose I spoke too soon when I said he was back. He is unpredictable, and not dependable. I am often blinded by other things about a person and I tend to overlook some of the bad qualities, because I think the good would eventually outweigh them....I am usually wrong, and end up getting hurt in the process. This would be one of those times. Hot and heavy Thursday, but haven't heard a peep since. I called him...maybe that was a mistake, I wanted to talk. You know get back to the way we were before the holidays. Maybe I made too much of this, before it ever even began. T1 maybe he isn't. I am still saving myself for the man I am going to marry though. Whoever he may be.