Just a thought in passing but an important one. Of all the experiences in my life, beginning from the first thing I ever rememebered, the ones that included my mother, and then again as a teenager when my parents divorced and it was just the three of us, my mother, my baby sister, and me. Young beautiful ladies in the world, making it on our own, each for the very first time, but in a different way. My mother worked three jobs just to support two growing daughters, each in her own awkward stage of life. My mother is well educated, college degree, but still had to hold down a full time job, and part time jobs that took up her weekends and evenings, just so that her daughters could go to school, have friends, be in clubs, and do the things that kids like to do. Looking back on all those times,I always loved them the most. And even though they were hard times, they were the happiest times I could ever remember having. I wish that when I am no longer of this earth, that they (my mother and my sister) know that. They were my best friends. I have had many so called best friends, but those relationships were never fulfilling like the ones I experienced with those two women in the years we spent as a family unit. Even when my parents were married and I had the benefit of two working parents, a nanny, and all the family a person could choke on, it was never as loving, real, and satisfying as those days. My mother was dealt a hard blow, when I was 14 but she kept her head held high, and taught me that I have every reason to do the same. My mother shaped me, and molded me. And the three of us learned together how wonderful we truly are. To me, this is what a real family is.

Just a few small words have completely changed how I feel. I am a little more at ease, but it doesn't change the whole relationship, well not exactly. I have often told myself to take it easy on him, because he is sensitive, because he is kind, because I know he is inherently, intrinsically good. I knew this instinctively, which is why I continue on with him, but I never realized what that really meant. Not that he hasn't behaved badly at times, but nothing could've prepared me for the words that he spoke to me last night. I am still scattered about the whole thing but have come away from the experience with a really good feeling overall. I think I am still confused about what I am supposed to think and feel, but I usually never get caught up in any of that so why should I let it bother me now? Can't say that I have a clue. It's like a release and clutch all at once. I don't know if that statement will make any sense later. Okay so the big thing that is making me chase my proverbial tail. I know we have been going back and forth about this sex thing, and being a normal guy thing, and this previous relationship he had with whatshername. For the moment I have no other way to expres how I feel about her but to not name her. Back to what I was saying. I knew he hadn't had many relationships before me. One girlfriend in high school, whatshername, some other girl I think, and several dates that never blossomed into anything more than friendship, if you believe his version of it. I think he still carries some torches, and at the present moment that seems very dangerous to me especially after what I know now. Okay, so along comes happy little me. My take no prisoners, sniffing out the bullshit, all guys are dogs even the good ones, attitude. Not that I don't want one that is good mind you, I just never really believed it would happen. but I started to really believe that love might actually be possible now. A real relationship, like the one I have been praying for, could be upon me and with great speed. I hadn't really felt that in quite some time. At least six years anyway. And with him...it seemed so very possible, imminent even. I never could quite put my finger on it but I knew, like my grandma always knew when it was going to rain, that there was (at least) one thing that I needed to know, that he wasn't telling me. That one thing was...I promised I wouldn't tell. I must first apologize to my friend Cartwright for not being able to say what it is. Cartwright,You have been there for me and let me cry on your shoulder, and have cared, and offered true to life suggestions that have been very insightful. If only I could share this with you, you might help me make something out of this mess that is in my head now...after all that other stuff. Sorry to the few of you who have taken a remote interest in my pathetic story day after dreary day, but I just know Martin wouldn't want me to share it and now my online journal has become his too. I no longer have it as my own. And it will no longer be each and every private thought or mental fart that I choose to write. Now, it's like I have to censor what I say. But, that isn't right either is it? Now...I have the intimate knowledge that Martin has been reading my blog. Now if what he told me last night is true, then why did he choose me? Why did he say "I love you" the first time we made love. Why did he want to break up with me? There are so many why's and I fear that he will not want to talk about them. In many ways this bit of news has made it harder on me in the relationship. Nothing will be reduced to merely sex, or attractedness to another person, or anything small minded, the way I have become accustomed to dealing with men. No, now I have to worry about whether or not he still is in love with her. If he would ever consider being with her again, were she to want him. And after not enough reflection...I am reduced to tears because the man I love won't respond to my touch tonight like he did yesterday. It is as if something else has occupied his mind, even the slightest brush from my arm sent him further away on the bed. I have been looking at his back for more than four hours now. And have been trying to rouse him fo two. It is highly unusual for him to turn down sex. So now I have to really wonder what has happened in the last 24 hours. I could torcher myself this way endlessly but I have become sick of this twisted little game. I must sleep now. Tommorrow this will make more sense. It is tommorrow....this is making less and less sense. As I have come to expect now in the world of Martin Diego. I realize now that although he has told me several times how much he loves me, he used to say it every day, now if I hear it I am lucky. And this morning came another blow on top of yesterday's news. He wants to apply for a job elsewhere...like home. Down on the border of Mexico, the town we both came from. Except I have no desire to ever see that place again. And besides he hasn't asked me to be with him for any of that. In the beginnig it seemed like anything was possible, now it's like none of that ever happend. He has forgotten the promises he made, and the hope he gave to me about being with him. About us making it. He says he is having more doubts now than ever before. I have been having doubts all along, and now they are becoming truths. He is making decisions, at whim, and I am just now finding out that he doesn't plan to stay whether I move in or not. He is done with school in December and is ready to move on...oh yeah but he will still pay his share of the rent, that is just a waste of money if you ask me. As I became upset, the statement made to me was "This doesn't mean I care about you any less." which is a lovely sentiment, but all I could think was "This also doesn't mean you care about me any more." This is sounding more and more like I am getting played.

Catarina (10:15:16 AM): What'cha doin? Martin (10:15:41 AM): Just chatting with a friend Catarina (10:15:46 AM): Oh Catarina (10:16:01 AM): I thought you didn't even have this set up until two days ago Martin (10:16:04 AM): Haven't spoken with her in a while Catarina (10:16:07 AM): Who? Martin (10:16:35 AM): I didn't. She found me. Martin (10:16:38 AM): Rikki Catarina (10:16:45 AM): Oh Martin (10:16:52 AM): What you doing? Martin (10:17:13 AM): Hating Rikki right now Martin (10:17:18 AM): Why? Martin (10:18:44 AM): Hey Martin (10:18:50 AM): why did you leave Catarina (10:18:58 AM): ? Martin (10:19:08 AM): you just went idle Catarina (10:19:29 AM): Well I guess now you will have something to do with all that free time that you have. Martin (10:19:46 AM): ok Martin (10:20:18 AM): So why are you hating her? Catarina (10:20:43 AM): ? Catarina (10:20:51 AM): Hey did you ever love her, Catarina (10:20:58 AM): or were you ever in love with her? Martin (10:21:04 AM): Yeah. Catarina (10:21:12 AM): Which one Martin (10:21:45 AM): Both really. She's a very good friend. Catarina (10:21:57 AM): That's why! Martin (10:22:19 AM): Because I love her as a friend? Catarina (10:22:34 AM): No Martin (10:22:40 AM): then why? Catarina (10:22:42 AM): Hey it's okay.... Martin (10:22:45 AM): I don't get it Catarina (10:22:50 AM): I don't really hate her. Catarina (10:23:00 AM): How can I hate someone I don't even know? Martin(10:23:19 AM): you hate O.J. but don't know him Martin (10:23:23 AM): (smiley face) Catarina (10:23:25 AM): Hey! Catarina (10:23:30 AM): That was a low blow. Catarina (10:23:40 AM): Why don't you just get back to your freind. Catarina (10:23:42): friend Martin (10:23:46 AM): talk to you later? Catarina (10:23:52 AM): damnit!!!! Martin (10:23:58 AM): what Catarina (10:24:07 AM): I couldn't spell it right! Catarina (10:24:12 AM): see ya round Martin (10:24:16 AM): k 30 minutes later Catarina (10:54:30 AM): You still chatting with Mikki? Martin (10:54:57 AM): Yeah. Haven't stopped. How are you. Martin (10:55:13 AM): How work be? Catarina (10:55:17 AM): Damn how long have you been chattin? Martin (10:55:41 AM): I'm not sure. A while. I'm gonna have to go soon. Need to go to the dentist. Catarina (10:56:02 AM): Well I wanted to talk to you too Martin (10:56:33 AM): Let me log off the other line. Catarina (10:56:40 AM): What time is your appt. Martin (10:57:00 AM): I'm gonna be a walk in. I just have a lot to do before and after it though. Catarina (10:57:25 AM): Like chat wiht Rikki I see Martin (10:58:02 AM): No Martin (10:58:10 AM): Like pay bills Martin (10:58:20 AM): Someones gotta feed the monkey, man. Catarina (10:58:28 AM): Oh you are so funny Catarina (10:58:50 AM): so what time are you going to Wrastling? Martin (10:59:04 AM): Don't know. Starts at 7 Martin (10:59:16 AM): I'll probably leave at 6:30 or so Martin (10:59:25 AM): Are you there till 5 Catarina (10:59:43 AM): I will be here til 6 Martin (11:00:07 AM): 6. Why so late Catarina (11:00:21 AM): Anissa (my evening receptionist) has a LULAC meeting tonight Catarina (11:00:32 AM): I always stay for her Martin (11:00:40 AM): That's nice o' you Catarina (11:00:58 AM): Yeah don't tell anyone...sometimes I am not a Bitch! Martin (11:01:26 AM): your secret is safe with me Catarina (11:01:44 AM): Gosh Thanks Catarina (11:02:03 AM): So when are you going to the dentist Catarina (11:02:08 AM): to see Jay Martin (11:02:21 AM): I have to call him Martin (11:02:49 AM): See what time he can squeeze me in Martin (11:02:55 AM): Squeeze me in Catarina (11:02:59 AM): yeah I thought it Martin (11:03:00 AM): (horny smiley) Catarina (11:03:21 AM): Let me just get a couple of things straight here Catarina (11:03:33 AM): just to get them clear in my head...kay? Martin (11:03:51 AM): kay Catarina (11:03:55 AM): You believe that OJ is guilty Martin (11:04:06 AM): As sin Catarina (11:04:22 AM): But because he is a black man, getting off was a great accomplishment Catarina (11:04:29 AM): and you are glad that he did Martin (11:04:44 AM): I'm not glad he did it. But I am glad that he got off. Catarina (11:04:57 AM): because that makes everything right for aaaaaaalllllllll those other black men who didn't? Martin (11:05:17 AM): Tell it on the mountain. Catarina (11:05:47 AM): You seriously believe this? Martin (11:06:27 AM): Uhh Martin (11:06:29 AM): Uhh Martin (11:06:31 AM): Uhh Martin (11:06:35 AM): No? Martin (11:07:07 AM): Was that right Catarina (11:07:34 AM): You know I don't need you to tell me what you think I want to hear. Catarina (11:08:22 AM): If you really belive in this say it loud Catarina (11:08:25 AM): say it proud Martin (11:08:31 AM): I am glad he got off scott free damn it Martin (11:08:45 AM): The whole trial was race Martin (11:08:52 AM): Whether you want to admit it or not Martin (11:09:08 AM): It was a black man who lived in a white community Catarina (11:09:12 AM): They made a lot of it about race to get him off you moron Martin (11:09:24 AM): which was primarily all white Catarina (11:09:43 AM): You know I really belive in the race cause Catarina (11:09:47 AM): I am Hispanic you know Martin (11:09:56 AM): Yo lo se. Catarina (11:10:36 AM): I can totally sympathize with the race cause really!!!! Catarina2 (11:10:43 AM): but that was still wrong! Catarina (11:11:24 AM): And for you to be glad that this asshole who killed two people got off....well that is just acenine Martin (11:11:31 AM): Potatoe-Potato. Right-Wrong. It's splitting hair. It's all shades of gray. Catarina (11:11:40 AM): I don't think so Catarina (11:12:47 AM): Do you relly not care that someone's mother was killed Catarina (11:13:16 AM): hello Martin (11:13:23 AM): I do. Martin (11:13:33 AM): I feel bad for them. Martin(11:13:45 AM): But putting him away is not gonna bring her back. Martin (11:13:51 AM): His life is still ruined. Catarina (11:14:36 AM): So the poerson that did it shouldn't be punished for it Catarina (11:14:45 AM): not enough Catarina (11:14:49 AM): he is still scott free Martin (11:14:49 AM): But he has been. Martin (11:15:19 AM): They took his heisman. They took everything. He can't even make a buck using the name O.J. That's his damned name! Catarina (11:15:30 AM): Cry me a river Catarina (11:15:44 AM): He is a murderer by your own admission Martin (11:15:45 AM): Heisman. Catarina (11:15:51 AM): Fuck that Martin (11:15:55 AM): Heisman Catarina (11:15:57 AM): so what Martin (11:16:10 AM): Heisssss-MAAAN Martin (11:16:14 AM): Heisman Catarina (11:16:23 AM): You are retarded Martin (11:16:32 AM): Heisman Martin (11:16:55 AM): Hello. My name is... Martin (11:16:57 AM): heisman Catarina (11:17:29 AM): Would you want the person who killed someone in your family to get off scott free and be able to roam around FREE Martin (11:18:13 AM): Which aunt or uncle. Because I do have some assholes in the family. Catarina (11:18:26 AM): your Mom Martin (11:19:46 AM): I'd kill the sumbitch myself. Martin (11:20:10 AM): I'd do it with his Heisman but I would put it back in it's place. Catarina (11:20:17 AM): LOL Catarina (11:20:34 AM): That's how I feel Catarina (11:20:45 AM): Nicole wasn't my mother...but she belonged to someone Martin (11:20:52 AM): Give the man his Heisman. Catarina (11:20:53 AM): who gives a crap about her right Martin (11:21:03 AM): really Catarina (11:21:13 AM): I told you I agreed with the Heisman thing Catarina (11:21:29 AM): That doesn't mean he should be free Catarina (11:21:41 AM): Really what? Martin (11:21:51 AM): Heisman-Hisman Martin (11:21:59 AM): Potato-Potatoe Catarina (11:22:17 AM): Hey are you still cahtting with whats her name Martin (11:22:26 AM): Yes Martin (11:22:32 AM): I'm multitasking Catarina (11:22:39 AM): So that is why I haven't had your full attention Catarina (11:22:47 AM): you are a jerk Martin (11:22:54 AM): I'm talking to you too Catarina (11:22:56 AM): I thought you were getting off. Martin (11:23:05 AM): On the Heisman issue Catarina (11:23:08 AM): no Martin (11:23:16 AM): It is a very sexy trophy Catarina (11:23:17 AM): I thought you were getting off the other line Martin (11:23:26 AM): It's got a little dude on top Catarina (11:23:34 AM): are you talking sexy to her? Martin (11:23:41 AM): Oh. You didn't say to Catarina (11:23:52 AM): You said you were. I just assumed. Catarina (11:24:12 AM): You still didn't answer my question. Martin (11:24:17 AM): I didn't hear you say yes Catarina (11:24:45 AM): You just said you were going to...I didn't think I needed to tell you to do something you were going to do anyway. Martin (11:24:58 AM): I'm sorry Catarina (11:25:19 AM): So, were you talking dirty, nasty, sexy or anything of the sort to her? Martin (11:25:46 AM): A little Catarina (11:25:54 AM): you suck Catarina (11:26:02 AM): Why Martin (11:26:16 AM): Why? Catarina (11:26:24 AM): Yeah! do you plan to do things to her? Martin (11:26:32 AM): No Martin (11:27:11 AM): babe, we're friends Catarina (11:27:40 AM): Does that mean you can talk to her the way you are supposed to talk to me? Martin (11:28:15 AM): I'm talking the same way i've talked to her for years. Catarina (11:28:23 AM): You have a girlfriend now Catarina (11:28:28 AM): or does she not know that Catarina (11:28:54 AM): or did you forget I immediately recieved a phone call from him, where he acted like his computer went out on him so he had to talk to me on the phone. I don't know how stupid he thinks I am, but, I am one of those people who will call bullshit when I see it! We had a discussion, very interesting indeed, where I was being inundated with all the reasons why he should continue to be able to talk to this girl he dated briefly, been intimate with, but has known since high school, or anyone else for that matter, any way he pleased. I got so mad, I was ready to break up! He then made the suggestion that we talk about this after I get off work. Which we really didn't do. He called me later and told me I was right, he was sorry, and he would immediatley stop the behavior. Nice start. He then said he hadn't mentioned anything about it to her, and wasn't planning to. Huh! Really! I wasn't feeling that, so I asked him how he planned on discontinuing this exchange from happening between the two of them? Was he just not going to do it, and when she does,would he just ignore it and let her continue on? I think not! He conceded and said later that he would talk to her when the next opportunity arose, and although he would be uncomfortable doing so, he would tell her they couldn't talk to each other the way they used to. As of now I still don't think he has told her, and I am not sure whether or not he will actually stop if and when wround other women...furthermore, I am forced to seriously wonder whether a relationship where I have to tell the guy how to show his respect for me, and ask the guy 20 questions before I get a decent answer to anything, is gonna survive. I suppose we shall just wait and see. He was planning on taking a road trip home today, but ever since this all happened he has taken a sudden change of heart and decided that he wants to wait until next week. When I asked him why he changed his mind, first it was some work thing that he wasn't sure about. Now he has changed his story, and said that he needs to do some things and wants to just relax since he doesn't have school for awhile, and spend some time with me. Sweet....but I am not sure I am buying it. Could Rikki, Mikki, Jikki whatever her name is, perhaps be planning on going home around the same time too now?

Hallowed I lay in the wake of a viperous storm that floored me before I knew it Like a tiny ballerina in a twister it knocked me off of my feet I found myself in some erratic nightmare from which I could not wake As my only cherished treasure sits beating it's song of love What ancient tortures what devised pains have been awakened now Some spindly evil finger plucks from deep within my precious prize Unrelenting crooked hands manipulating and toying To the horror of my minds eye my heart sings it's final song A song of hope life and a love dreamt that never comes to fruition Begs to not die not be defiled in this cruel and disgraceful manner I wake up with a scream wondering what new brand of hell I have seen My heart I now clutch hand on my chest still gasping for hallowed life ~Catarina Noire~

The poem is still untitled, but it is complete. I feel a presence lingering near you I've pondered at night and day And although you are picture perfect In each and every way Something may still be amiss Your look gives it away As if I somehow don't live up To what you hoped I would be As if I am somehow being compared To one I cannot see I have tried to presuppose How to make you feel alive Something I have come to fear Cannot be done by me And if that really is the case Why would you have taken me on Knowing from the beginning what My intents were all along To find the one, to kiss the one, Make love to only he It was you I found, you I kissed, In love, my body gave to thee Am I wrong, is it so, could this love not be true Are you waiting for some miracle to bring another back to you I wait you to take me in your arms and whisper fervently That you are truly in love with only one And that only one is me ~Catarina Noire~