I looove Cool Whip! I have been sitting here eating it, spoonful by frozen spoonful. Something I had forgotten since childhood. Anyway, that wasn't what I was going to share today. Some of the sexiest songs ever made: Heavy Metal: there is something about that song, the soundtrack and the movie that makes me want to have sex in a red Corvette...in space. Bolero: That particular piece of music just lends itself to sultry movements, and makes me think of....well this IS about the sexiest music ever made, is it not? Kashmir: Rhythmic, hypnotizing, escalating to....... Speaking of movements, and sex. I am still not having any. Was really tempted last night though. I went to have drinks with some of the guys. The main one being Scott. Hey, he has really been seeking me out lately. He asked me what I had planned for the evening, was dropping hints all day, and as I left chased me down as I was walking to my vehicle. We agreed to have drinks, but I let him know that there would be others joining us. I left work earlier than usual, since my new trainee is now trained and is able take over the evening responsibilities. I had plenty of time to nap, shower, and get dolled up. Which I did. I was to meet with said friends at around 9:00 p.m. I stepped into the place, fashionably late in my coral blouse and black miniskirt, with four inch heel "Catwoman" boots. I was primped,glossed and had the faint aroma of white tea and ginger bodywash and Pleasures perfume emanating from that warm spot on the back of my neck. I was feeling pretty darned invincible, and I would have kept that feeling If I had walked in and found any of my party there. They were also late, and I stood outside for about 20 minutes before anyone arrived. Scott was there first, and the look on his face as he walked up told me all I needed to know.We walked in together. Of course the entire restaurant was packed, ther was an hour wait for a table and the upstairs bar looked as if it would cave with the weight of all the people inside. So we stayed at the bar in the lower level, and ordered a couple of draft beers. I happen to prefer Newcastle Ale, if I am going to drink beer at all luckily they had it on tap. Another member or our party, Chase showed up shortly thereafter. I spotted some people I knew and went upstairs. After mingling upstairs, I went back down to the bar where the guys were at. Scott had his eyes on me the entire time I walked down the stairs "unaware" of his burning glare. I smiled and made eye contact with various people in the restaurant, when I got to the spot where he was standing, I turned my smile on Scott making sure my hair gently swung over my shoulder and looked right in his eyes. Then said hello to Chase. They saved the barstool in between them for me. Scott pulled it out so that I would sit. We all enjoyed animated conversation from one political issue to the next. I very much enjoyed being in between them, I knew I could hold either of their attention at any given time, and subtly flirted (in a tasteful way) with them both. I had never hung out with either of them before, and it was really nice to talk about real things in the world for once. A couple of other guys showed up and decided to go on the prowl upstairs where all the smokers hang out. After about four beers, and all the laughing I could handle, I was ready to call it a night. As were Chase and Scott. We said our goodnights. And I waved at Chase as he walked out the door.Somehow, when I was on my way to the little girls room, Scott was on his way out of the little boys room. He walked up to me and put his arms around me. Long muscular arms and his hand covered my entire back! I was going to hug him however he decided to take the opportunity to plant a kiss right on my lips. Good strong lips.Really nice and soft. I gave in a little. But pulled away soon after. He took me by the hand and we walked outside together. He asked me where I was parked, turns out he was closer so he drove me to my car. I was somewhat conflicted at this point. I thought that he was going to expect something after that. Although I am very attracted to him. I know that we can't do anything more than what just happened. Someone once told me that when I am good I am really good, but when I am bad I am even better. Well, I was a good little girl, but I would've liked to have been even better! After the kiss the fires were roaring. He kissed my neck and when I pulled away he looked into my eyes and said "Oh my god, you are so sexy." I am sure he really wanted to keep going, I am sure I really wanted to keep going, but I didn't think we needed to stoke the fires at this point. I had to put an end to it. I have my vow, and he has his fiancee. We kissed again. Longer, stronger. I had to put a stop to this. I leaned down and grabbed my little black purse, and he asked if I was leaving. "I am." He started to kiss my ear, then whispered "Why? Are you afraid you will want to do more?" Damn him. I said "Yes." We talked about it some, and although he did say that we could just have fun...there doesn't have to be any sex involved, I didn't know if that was such a good idea. (insert another reference to fires and the stoking of, adding fuel to or playing with it, here) I never agreed nor disagreed. I calmly got out of the car and said "Goodnight Scott." I was kicking myself as I watched his car drive away, and got in my vehicle. But now I am sure I chose wisely. Yes the fire is there, but I don't want to spontaneously combust. As fun as it may be, I guess when Scott comes calling I can't come out to play. It could quite possibly ruin everything I have done (or not done) in the past two and a half months. So against what my body was telling me to do, I said goodnight. I drove home to my empty apartment. I slept in my empty bed as usual, and I woke up not feeling so empty after all.

Okay I have to confess something. Several days after that whole Jake fiasco, I was kinda just sitting here, being bummed about the whole thing, and really, really bored. So I clicked on that dating service that I had used when he found me. I just had to know something...so I looked him up by his nickname, and there he was! Still online dating, and apparantly active that very same day. He also had added a new picture to his profile. I thought I was the only one to get that one sent to me, but, there it was in the gallery. I am a little confused, did he actually have a girlfriend (wife?) and he is still on this service looking for some booty, or is he just some single guy looking for some booty, without commitments. In either case, what a schmoe! I didn't want to curse and I couldn't think of anything else that sounded close enough to what I was really thinking so I used the word schmoe. I don't think I even know what that really means. Okay Webster's says it's a stupid or obnoxious person....Yes I definitely know what schmoe means!

Scott has been looking mighty fine these days! But, I would never pursue because he has a fiancee. And a little boy. I am sure not going to wreck any homes over minor flirtations, major flirtations, or even if it was just hot sex. Besides the fact that I am still saving myself, he is a co-worker, so the hot sex is really out of the question. Even though he has been shamelessly showing a major amount interest in me. Just watching him walk by sometimes really has been turning me on. He has a really nice butt, and the package has to be nicely sized because he has some really big feet. Okay I have been looking at the package, but not when anyone was looking, and not on purpose. Mostly because I think back to when he first started here. He tried to be that guy that is really cocky, you know the metrosexual who thinks everyone else is in love with him too, but Scott really isn't that guy. That is what he wants everyone to think because it keeps everything at that shallow, face value level. He definitely goes deeper than all that. When he first came in here, we immediately butted heads. And because I am the woman that you all know today, I wanted him to know who was boss. He would push, and pull, and tug to see where my boundries were, and tried to cross them. and I would let him to a small degree...but just like a pit-bull on a choke collar, he could only go so far, and at that point I would let him have it. He has tried so may different ways to push my buttons that I have come to the conclusion, that he needs a woman to be in charge of him. He just loves it when I tell him no. But when he tried to do the same to me he messed with bull, and he got the horns. I once came out of my chair, and purposefully came towards him, I grabbed his collar and shook the daylights out of him. I shook him with every word "You don't understand. you will not tell me what to do around here!" He had a bewildered look that became a lustful glare, his chest was rising an falling rapidly, and his hands were about to be all over me. Holding his gaze,I pushed him away from me and turned and walked to my desk again. At that point I realized that I had truly aroused him. By the end of the night he was litereally kissing my fingers. And has been mine ever since. Recently he was standing at my desk as he was leaving for the evening with some shirts on hangers thrown over his shoulder. I aksed him if that was his dry cleaning, he said no he had just purchased some shirts with the company logo on them. I looked at them and said approvingly "Those will look good on you." He said "Everything looks good on me." I laughed. He then says "Do you know what else looks good on me?" I looked at him imploringly. He says "Nothing!". Two nights ago I hadn't seen him for a good 30 minutes, but as I was leaving for the evening, someone came out after me towards my car. I heard the footsteps, and when I turned it was none other than Scott himself! Sporting a huge goofy grin. He asked for a ride to his car which was parked around back. I was happy to oblige, we made conversation on the way, but there was definitely tension, too bad he was too chicken to try anything! Not that I would've done anything with him, it just would've been nice to reject him...he needs it...he wants it!!! Yesterday, he came and sat with me as the evening was winding down. We chatted a little. He asked me a lot of questions. like, you know "How old are you?" " You look about 23" (right) I hear that one all the time! "You couldn't possibly be older than I am." Consequently, I am by about 5 years. More like first date conversation starters. Then, I jest you not, he reached around behind me to grab a stapler..or was it the tape dispenser? He did the reacharound! I acted like nothing happened to which he withdrew his arm and leaned in the other direction. this was like a date or something. When I left for the evening I off-handedly bade him goodnight, and when I looked at his reflection in the glass in front of me, he was staring at me as I walked out the door. I particularly enjoyed the look on his face. Today he has been walking past my desk quite a lot today, stopping and asking what I am doing, looking down the front of my silk dress that I purchased for Valentine's Day last year. I know I have nice legs, and he has definitely been checking them out! I wanted to test it a little more just to see if he really is my bitch (so to speak). As he was walking out I called a phone near him and he answered, I said "The next time you walk away from me, take your hands out of your pockets!" he said "Huh?" I repeated it and smiled so he smiled and said "Okay." Later he asked me why I asked him to do that, I told him I couldn't see his pants when he did that. He got that look of recognition in his eyes and turned to look at the back of his pants. He grinned and began to walk away, I turned and said "Just do as you're told." He has deliberately taken his hands out of his pockets as he walks past ever since.

I realized this morning that I didn't finish the thought on my last post about, Jake/DC_Guyy's stupid little note. Since yesterday was the weekaversary(I am sure that is not a real word) of when he sent me that "dear jane" letter, I thought I should say something about it, but I now realize that my absence of words regarding the subject says much more.

It was a week ago today. He e mailed me that stupid little letter.

I decided that I am not posting every single IM we ever exchanged because, it is entirely too time consuming, and I am sick of this whole thing already. Which was the whole purpose for doing this to begin with. Yeah! I am over him obviously. And I know that I will go back and forth on my feelings with this one, and I may even post some more IM conversations as they apply. But it took me literally all day to edit and re-edit. Now I have to deal witht he fact that at least one person does not approve of my blog, or should I say the contents in it. And while I began doing this for me, I know that if someone who l have been talking to reads this they get a clear idea of what has been happening in my life recently. As distasteful as it may seem, that is the truth, and I have had a big heaping dose of it. So for this one person that I tried to let into my little world, and trust me this blog is only the tip of the iceberg. May you have a truly blissful life. Which is all I ever hoped for myself. Now I am going to share with you something that my very good friend Chino said to me yesterday, that made me realize how much he truly understands what I have been going through recently. We were at the bookstore after watching a movie, and while I was sipping my Chai tea, enjoying the warmth as it went down and feeling the relaxing effect of the spice. I noticed a man. He walked up to the bar across from our table and began putting raw sugar in his hot drink. I felt my heart drop. And what began as a relaxing outing with a friend turned surreal. I had to look at him several times, but only got glimpses of his profile. He looked remarkably like Jake/DC_Guyy/T1 in training. Which is impossible. Or perhaps it isn't. I don't know that this guy didn't lie about that too. Paranoia for just a split second. Then I felt upset again. Of course Chino is very in tune with what is going on with me and he noticed that something was wrong. I told him I would talk to him about it later when we left the bookstore. And as we perused the circulars, A woman joined the man. And they began a hushed conversation. Now I know that eavesdropping is an invasion of privacy, so I did not really listen to the content, but heard his voice quite clearly a couple of times. Same type of voice. My heart began to beat much faster. But I still wouldn't look in their direction, for fear of being thought rude. but poriferal vision serves me well, and he was touching this skinny woman's face. The store clerk announced that they were closing and we all got up to leave. The man walked way ahead of her to throw away their trash. I walked passed him and realized this man was much shorter than he appeared when I was sitting. And thought that although the bald spot on the back of his head would not have even phazed me, the fact that I would have to bend down to kiss him would be bothersome to me. I shook it off, he was not at the bookstore in the same town, on the same day that I happened to be there. Even thought this guy was wearing the same kind of black leather coat, and had that kind of stance.Deep down I knew that this was not Jake. But it took me to some surprising places in my mind...perhaps Jake realized some things about himself and ended what he perceived as somethinghe wasn't willing to face, for his own "shortcomings". Regardless, when we got to the car I told all of this to Chino, and then some. He said to me with his voice thick with the tears that he was desperately fighting to hold back "This really breaks my heart, that this man, would take what you felt for him, this rare thing that you never allow yourself to feel for anyone, this gift like one of our most precious things of nature and just crushes it! And all I can think is what a f**cking a**h*le. What an a**h*le, he never knew how lucky he was, and he just threw it away!"