Ahhhhh I love this beautiful day! No particular reason. Just a beautiful day. The sun was shining it was just warm enough but not hot today. A nice breeze at just the right time. A little afternoon delight. Oh yeah that must be it. (Gratuitous smile) I am still glowing from the roll in my bed at lunch today! You know it's really a special thing to just hold someone and feel their skin, taste their lips, and gaze deeply into each others eyes. Then one of us gets wrapped up in the sheets like a mummy, and we both laugh hysterically while one of us writhes around trying to unravel herself. Okay so it was me...I had an unusually not so graceful moment. And the best part was that we did not have sex. Well If we could have I probabaly would have. But it is really strengthening my feelings knowing that we don' t have to. I know now I am not making sense. I'll have to go back a little. We had a date for Saturday. I had to work from 7:45 am until 8:00 pm that day, so I was really looking forward to seeing him afterwards. He called me to say good morning, even though we both woke up in the same bed that morning, and to touch base about the evenings plans. It was previously determined that we were to try this vegetarian restaurant that I found online, Mr Natural.It looked really yummy and I had been hinting around about it for about a week. After a little sweet talk and some kisses, he needed to tend to some patients. I let him go only after he promised to call me later on in the day. Well of course we had a big sale here at Everyman's Auto and I was swamped most of the day. It was not until around 4:30 or 5:00, that I noticed he hadn't called yet. I don't worry about that kind of thing with him because he calls me without me having to ask, and that is why I thought it unusual. I finished my paperwork and around 7:00 I was seriously concerned. I didn't want to panic, so I just waited. 7:30 he called sounding very depressed and tired. I asked him if he was okay. He said "Yeah we will talk about it later. I am on my way." . He showed up looking emotionally ragged. I clocked out, and we got in his car. He had been holding a white paper bag in his hand but I didn't want to acknowledge what it might be. Sitting there in his car the quiet became too big "What is the matter?" I asked. He set down the white bag in front of me and I asked him what it was while I investigated the contents. "You know what valycyclovir is?" "What?" "Well these are also anti-virals, for HIV. " I dropped the bag of pills like it was a maggot infested. "What are you telling me?" I asked him. "We were holding down a patient and he spewed blood from his mouth right onto my face. I ran and cleaned it off immediately not knowing if any got into my eyes, but I know I didn't breath or ingest any of it. I ran back to continue what we were doing. And was immediatley rushed to the emergency room. The patient had tested positive for HIV and Hepatitis C, and althought the ER doc thinks it was a low risk occurance, he prescribed these as a precaution while they do their testing to see if I was infected." My world began to spin, and I was no longer aware of anything except my own horror. Everything was suddenly different. No open mouthed kissing, no exchange of fluids, no oral, although we use condoms regularly anyway it seemd like a lead weight had just fallen upon my head. I grabbed his hand and with tears streaming down my face, I listened the rest of the night. We talked and talked and talked and after dinner (which really was delicious and we both agreed we would visit again when we were both having a better day) We went back to my apartment. I felt like being playgful. I just wanted to make him happy again and I wouldv'e done just about anything to have that back again so I decided I wanted to camp out in the living room in front of the television. I pulled out the fold out, and we cuddled while I tried to make jokes and tickle him until he smiled. He did and then it jus hit me, I realized that I was falling for him. I could just look into his eyes forever. I stroked his face and reassured him that I would be there. And then...Saturday Night Live came on! We laughed and as it ended he was dozing off. Spooning me, he mumbled something about wanting me more than anything, and the worst part being how the testing will go on at three months....six months...and a year....then I heard snoring. My heart sank and then it really hit home....as Ben Affleck was smiling his Saturday Night Live ending I was silently crying hot tears of love, anguish, and fear. And most of all that I knew deep in my heart that I want to stay with him...no matter what. I don't know what the future holds but I hope I can live up to that ideal. My last thoughts before falling asleep were..."I suppose we shall have to see how it all turns out. What does God, the Universe or Karma have in store for us?" We woke up Sunday morning and it was wonderful to be alive. And I am going to live my life that way from now on. The sun rose, the soundtrack of waking up surrounding us I breathe in the morning air. I glance over at the sweet childlike innocence that sleep can bring to one's face and I think "Ahhhhhhh I love this beautiful day!"