Either way

July 22nd, 2009 Silly little things rattling around in my head, I would have settled for a life of poverty because I was willing to make that sacrifice for love, and that wasn't what we had. I loved you and you loved you. But now I am free to find my true love, and live in whatever way we see fit. I can have a full rich life of love and family with a man who adores me without having to sacrifice my dignity.

This was written on a scratch piece of paper 7/21/2009

It seems as though today, and many other days, clients, or people acting as such have the need to beat up on me. I am getting a vibe here that to some not so nice people, I am not welcome. Regardless ofhow I handle something or what I say, they will just keep trying to cut me down. Is race a factor? Age? Being middle class perhaps it is the fact that i am all of that and have confidence anyway...it seems to be offensive to some. As if they want me to cow tow, or run away crying. I am not much of a runner, and I am no mouse. The thought of scurrying away doe s not appeal...not my style. but, I am becoming tired, worn, with a heavy weight on my chest. Lastnight knocked me down another notch. It was as if he came back just to mess up my mind. justlike when he left. It has all been just sheer agony. The rawness of the feeling is burning up m face now as I hold in the cyclone of rage inside. Andi continue to write as everyone goes on around me as usual.

Getting it all out

This was written July 21, 2009 3:41 pm I am writing as a way to keep busy and get all my feelings out. As of now I am not sure what they are. My instinct tells me to jsut go with my heart, that would be to write flowery poetry and cry and give the poetry to him so that he may cry too and then he would hold me and tell me how beautiful I am and how those words were so lovely and hit a soft place in his heart. how my words opened his eyes to the true meaning of love. How he now sees that he should never let me forget that I am the one he wants for life. Then my secondary feeling is to yell and scream, hit and throw things. To spew hateful, vengeful things in his face. To hurt, degrade or otherwise immasculate him. Drawing blood to satiate my broken, black & thorny hearts lust to my own destruction. Then I get too smart and want to talk about it...the relationship. As if dissecting it would uncover the defect, infection, disease. When all I am doing is adding bacteria to an open gash that was still healing. All I expected was what he said. Be a man, introduce me to the people in your life, keep your word, and stop hurting me. I opened myself up to you, giving and giving until I had nothing left for myself.

What the *uck Ever!

Well as I sit here at my desk today eating my very large and affordable cucumber, tomato and avocado salad that I brought from home, I stewed. You see, last night I was invited to dinner with my boss and some other folks from the office. Food was good. Company was really good. a great time was had by all. I had about three margaritas so as you can imagine I was feeling quite nice. I got home, got comfortable and decided to eat my leftover flan. It was divine. I don't think I could've been feeling any better at this point unless I had a man at my feet rubbing away the day's worries, and kissing away the vanilla liquer topping that had dripped right in my cleavage. So I am lounging, and thinking, and looking at the phone, and thinking. And I get this overwhelming urge. So what do I do? What is the one thing in Catarina's little book of no no's? I pick up the phone. Wait! I know it is starting to sound really bad right? Well it probably is or I wouldn't be feeling like this about it now. So let me first tell you that I have been having a little flirtation with a certain someone via e mail. It's not that crazy because we used to hang out...in high school but we have always been friends, good ones I always thought. But we haven't talked for at least a decade!(Okay it is actually closer to almost two decades, but that doesn't really matter) My memory has faded most of it, but what I remember is good. Just really really good. I have always thought he was adorable but never did anything about it. (His friend was my boyfriend) I guess when I saw his face on that profile I just had to say something. So we began e mailing, I have seen pics, he has seen mine but I never really get a lot of time to get to know him. He always invites me to these events that he hosts and because of some recent big changes at work I am having to pull double shifts and weekends until it is all settled, so I haven't been able to go. But also I noticed that it seems like he has a LOT of female friends, and if I want to get to know him and have a quiet conversation I don't think an event with them all there is how it's going to happen for me. At times we have good rapport. And others he says nothing. Am I reading too much into this? I know I am just over analyzing like I do everything in my life. Once in an e mail to all his friends he said he had lost phone numbers or something like that and that if we wanted to give them to him to e mail it, and if we haven't previously we could now. I wrote him a cute e mail about how I wasn't sure we were at that point, and he said he thought we were. So we exchanged numbers. That made me feel good you know? Feedback is good. It enables you to make decisions about what to do next...leave it be or take it to the next level? I decided this was as good a time as any to go forward....and let me say right now, there should be a law against picking up the phone when you are feeling that good, it can be deceiving! I left a kinda sexy, fun, sweet message even though I didn't expect to get voicemail after 18 years of not hearing each others voices! He didn't call me right back and after very little thought I realized that I sounded totally stupid and called again to try to well I don't know for damage control I guess...yes I know I am kicking myself still!!!! I decided then and there that I am never calling him again. He never did call me, and that makes this all that much more humiliating you know. Like I am some kind of stalker or something. I feel like a complete idiot! But seriously, he led me to think we were communicating on some level, and I didn't think it was out of bounds at the time. Even now it doens't seem out of bounds when I take everything into consideration. The sexually explicit poetry, the invitations to parties, the suggestive e mails. Geez...you think you know people....

Lunch 2006

I have officially run out of things to blog about. I have become sick of the same old love story BS and talk about guys. Today I decided that I am going to go back to one of the things I started doing when began. I am going to include what I had for lunch, from where, the cost, and of course my comments. Today I used the service Eat Out In. They charge you 15% of the total amount of your food order to deliver from all kinds of really yummy restaurants. So, from Star of India I ordered the following: 1 order of Papad (crispy lentil wafers) $1.00 1 order of Paratha (buttered and layered whole wheat bread) $1.95 1 Kachumbar Salad (cucumber,tomato, onion, green peppers and tangy spices with fresh lemon juice) $2.50 1 Madras Soup (coconut tomato soup with a dash of indian spice) $2.50 1 order of Tandoori Prawns (jumbo prawns marinated in fine indian herbs) $11.95 1 Saag paneer (tender chunks of homeade cheese in homeade creamed spinach that has been lightly seasoned) $7.95 After tax and fee my total was $42.43. And of course the driver tip isn't included in that total so I ended up spending $47.43 total. Okay so after I got my food (20 minutes after the time she promised it would arrive) I just wanted to have some Kuchambar Salad. I opened it and was a bit surprised that I got cucumber and tomato, but no onion, also they seemed to have forgotten the difference between green pepper and spinach. Which is okay because I always try to find ways to add my green leafys as much as possible. Everything was pretty good. the saag was awesome, but as always I felt like taking a nap afterI ate some. So yeah this was a lot of food and of course I hadn't planned on eating it all at once. I have enough left over to have for dinner and probably a late snack tomorrow evening. When you look at it that way it's only $15.81 per meal! Plus I really wanted Indian today.

I like it, I really like it!

Okay so I read other people blogs all the time. I ususally find the same old stuff, but every once in a while I come across what I think is a unique voice because as we all know it is really hard to transmit the sound of it in our writing. But if you have some time, you should really check out atomon.org. I highly recommend it!

Over it

What a dank and blurry day it is. It has been months since my last confession...I mean post. I can't really say that much else has happened in the way of my love life so to speak, it has been perfectly non-existant. And I have been really okay with that. I have been really okay with me. So much of my time had been spent concentrating on the minutae of every interaction with a certain male that I had forgotten what it is to just be me. I have begun making friends again. And although I knew it all along, men aren't pigs like I felt when Grey was a part of my life. It was just Grey that was the pig. Looking back I have to say this...What in the world was I thinking? I mean we all know thatI have always been attracted to nerdy guys my whole life, but this one wasn't even that smart! And If he isn't nerdy and smart well then I just can't see much point in it...can you? Yeah, and to make it a neat little package he had major issues! Okay and to be fair I had some weighty issues of my own, but at least I was considerate enough to not really bring it into our relationship. Chalk it up to a life experience that I needed to grow. So now I am making friends again, and it feels really good. Not that there is anything wrong with ANY of my current friends I love them very much. It isn't often that someone calls you just to sing "You Are My Sunshine...hoochie!" when you are down or bring you flowers at work when you get a promotion or better yet just ot say Happy Un Valentine's day! But I realized that variety is the spice of life...ugh I know what a cliche! But oh so true. And who knows maybe one day, over time and troubles, one of my new friends will be the one I have been waiting for all this time.

An imperfect circle

Grey has a broken heart, just like mine. Like a circle of some kind, Grey told me today about what he has been going through with "her". And just like I have wanted to grab him by the shoulders and shake him and say "Look at me and what you are throwing away!!!" He probably wants to do that to her too. He loves her still. Furthermore, he is not over her yet. What is really sad is that by the time he is he will be miles and miles away before he realizes that our chance has come and gone. So I guess it is over. Although I finally felt like in a way the Grey I used to know was coming around again, it sounded like he was trying to help me get over him by telling me some part of the story that I have waited all this time to hear. It literally broke my heart because what he said is almost exactly what I have been going through all this time. I held my mouth as I tried to keep the crying sounds inside when he described how he hasn't been able to get a word out of her. He has to harass her to get any little crumb of an answer at all. And she can't really give him a good enough answer. She wants him to go away. He feels like she hates him, like they are enemies. He couldn't sleep, eat, even get out of bed. I said nothing but thought "He has been feeling all of that because of her, and I have been feeling all of that because of him, Martin has been feeling it because of me, even Martin's ex has been feeling it because of him! It just gets passed on and on and on. No one is ever happy with what is in front of them. However, we all want something we cannot have. We are repeatedly told no, and it just pushes us that much harder. I have not yet figured out why he even came to me, and then let me go. It must have been her. I was to him what he is to her now, not enough. So I lack something, in his eyes that he will never tell me. He says he is motivated by affection, I gave him all of mine, it obviously was not enough. I was not enough! I will probably never know why, so I must let him go now. Just writing this is heart wrenching. There is too much pain in this act of letting him go. My tears flow freely. I ache, now with the knowledge that I never could before see, I pray to all that is good and right in the world let me get over it soon. He will not love me, and what hurts more than any words can say is that I fear I will never be loved the way that I love.

Amazing

I have been going through this crazy kind of mood swing thingy a lot lately. Ever since Grey dumped me I have been going from feeling like I want to die, to being okay, to thinking up some crazy scheme to get him back. Of course I don't die, and I know I never want ot be one of those crazy kinds of women that makes a horses patooty of herself to prove her love. So instead I cry and cry and cry. I question again and gain, why. And then I cry some more . I think maybe it's because of this or maybe that is the answer. Then I quickly dismiss it because I just don't know for sure. This process goes on and on for about an hour (there have been longer spells but that isn't something I will readily admit to) and then I realize I am going to look red and puffy in the morning, so I try to ease my pain by calling a friend. Normally if I felt bad I would call Grey and all would be well again. But I can't call him. Then I will really seem desperate, and I am really not that person. I just want some answers. I want to get past this. So I call my ex, Martin, who is now someone who understands me. After all the troubles we had he finally gets it. At this point in time I know that we are better off as friends. And he is the very best at being that. He just let me talk. And although he couldn't stop himself from giving me a little tiny bit of unsolicited advice, I didn't really mind this time. Because, I stopped crying. I had even forgotten about it until he e mailed me today. I asked him if he wouldn't mind me using some of his letter to me for my blog. He said it was perfectly fine. I don't have to ever ask that of him. So here is the letter. It made my day I have to say...why can't they all just get me? The letter starts: Hey there sweet, I hope the day finds you doing well. And I really hope that I was of some help or consolation to you last night. I really want to see you overcome, always. You don't deserve what you have gone through. After all, you are a V.I.P. Now if I can be allowed to be blunt and outright for a moment, I don't think that you have ever been more wrong about something in your life. To think that you are an easy person to walk away from is just plain silly. I wouldn't be here today writing these few words if that were true. Don't ever forget that. To somebody who truly knows you and who you are, you are extremely difficult if not near impossible to walk away from . There was also something else that I wanted to touch a little more on. And that is the walking paradox that is Catarina. It's a lovely paradox. A little complex at times, but lovely nonetheless. You are strong, yet fragile. You want to be independent, but also need to be taken care of at times. You are blunt and strongheaded. But you are also kind and caring in your every action and words. It is, for lack of a better word, amazing. And yeah, some might find that paradox a bit intense. I know that I did at times. But I wouldn't have had you any other way. That paradox and you were exhilarating. Every day I found I felt as if I discovered you anew. And when you stood by me, I smiled. I felt like I could do anything at all, even lift a Volvo. At one point I remember thinking, "Wow, she's everything." Last night my mind started to wander a bit. I asked myself two questions. Why on Earth did I ever fall for this girl? What did I see in her? And I thought. And I thought. Yes, you are correct. You are hot. You've always been hot. But that's not it. That's almost like a bonus in a way. And it's way, way down the list. Second to the last only in front of, she makes a really mean sandwich. And that was one mean sandwich. It was you, Catarina. It was always you. Yeah, we butted heads, but that doesn't mean that I would have changed anything that you did. And that doesn't mean that I cared about you any less before, after, or during the argument. If anything, given the opportunity I would change what I had done. And it was territory that we fought over. It was me not wanting to let go of childish ways and childish friends. And it was you hoping that I would. And while I might not have liked the context of some of those fights, or all of them since I didn't like fighting with you, I did and do still admire your character though it all. You knew what you wanted. You fought for what you wanted. I admired that about you. Your sensitivity. Your passion for life. Always wanting what is right. Your drive. Your sense of right and wrong. Your humor. Your smile. God, I loved that. I treasured coming home after a long day to find that smile. It melted me away. No matter how bad my day was, seeing you always made me feel better. I found about nine-hundred and seventy-one good, valid reasons to fall for you. And none not to do so. Being hot is number nine-hundred and seventy. Boy, do I ever miss that sandwich. In the course of our lives, we come into literally thousands of people. Some of these we think to ourselve's,"Wow. She (or he) is pretty hot." Now I've always been a little on the shy side. 99.99999% of the girls that I've come into contact with that I've thought this about I've never spoken to. I think, "Oh, she's way out of my league," and move on. That night when I first met you at Jay's birthday party, I remember asking Jay about you. "Who's that?" I asked. "Oh she's Monica's cousin." And he showed me your picture not knowing that I had already seen it. In fact whenever I'd go over to his place to watch wrestling and he'd go to the bathroom or go fix a drink, somehow I always ended up near that picture looking at it. Of course, I never told him that and pretended like I had never seen that picture. '"That's her?" I asked. I really hadn't recognized you. I guess not having your hair blowing in the wind threw me off. For some reason I figured that's how you always walked around. I still thought that you were very pretty, very photogenic. At that, I went back into the living room and was prepared to have you join the other 99.9999% of attractive women that I had met before. And then it happened. I started talking to you for a bit. And as you spoke, I thought to myself,"Wow, she's really nice." And as we spoke more, I thought,"Wow, she's really hot." It wasn't until after I started talking to you that I realized that there was this great person sitting in front of me. And when you excused yourself to go outside for a bit, in the back of my mind someone shouted,"Wake up, stupid! Don't let her go!" And I did. The rest is history. You're a great person, Catarina. And I'm gonna be saying that some forty or fifty years down the road. Well after our youthful existance has fled and we're left with wrinkled skin that bears the tales of our times. I'm gonna say,"She's the most beautiful person alive." Love always, Martin Diego